The Toddys

Green Eyes hates Territories.

2009-06-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

You know what’s lame ass? Me. Why? Because Sunday was the National Puerto Rican Day Parade. It’s colorful and loud and amazing with fantastic music and food and the constant honking of horns as people wave Puerto Rican flags.

(There has been a small issue in the past of people pissing in the flowers lining the Park avenue sidewalk…but let’s blame that on a lack of porta-potties.

Port-a-potty?

Portapotty?

Port-o-potty?

Porter-potty?

Uh…bathrooms.

But I didn’t feel well on Sunday.

So in reaction to the live and in color Puerto Rican Day parade only blocks from my home…

I did the whitest thing imaginable.

I laid down on a yoga matt and watched the Puerto Rican parade episode of SEINFELD on DVD and drank some Crystal Light peach flavored decaffeinated iced tea.

Yeah…

Um, but to be clear, I’m not racist. Seriously.

Per my fan's request...

2009-06-10T11:27:00.001-07:00

they do the Macarena but i'm still not impressed.

2009-06-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA&feature=player_embedded

Thank you Dorito.
Amazing.

Thank you Lord

2009-06-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

And now a joke from Popsicle...

2009-06-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/2690376467162b2c617bd89d09c514e7/video/4369137

Green Eyes shops till she flops

2009-06-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

It is SO shameful.
Shameful doesn’t cover it.
It is shame-TASTIC.
Shame-ALICIOUS
I’m the shame-MEISTER!

Why? Well…((sigh dramatically)).
Last week I found myself idly flipping channels. Somehow the monotone drone of a woman worshiping all-things-tacky sucked me in and I zoned out watching the HOME SHOPPING NETWORK
(((hangs head in shame)))

But stop… It gets worse.
It gets worse-TASTIC
Worse-ALICIOUS
I’m the worse-MEISTER!

Why? Well… I ordered something. Yeah. I ordered a ring. (Um, but FYI it’s so hot!! Turquoise stone with a gold snake)

But WAIT! It gets WORSER!!!
Yeah yeah yeah, worser-tastic, worser-alicious and I’m the worser-meister.
Why?
Because the ring I bought was from a celebrity jewelry line. An AWFUL one.
It’s too shameful, worse, worser and worsest… I can’t tell.
But I can say this.
It RHYMES…
With Bori Belling.

Yeah… that’s right. I bought some Bori Belling Jewelry.

I have watched this three times

2009-05-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCdmiZyyGjQ&feature=PlayList&p=3738547C9EC02A29&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=19

everybody dance

2009-05-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Poor Unfortunate Soul

2009-05-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

That poor, poor girl.

I wish you guys could’ve seen it. Some unfortunate dork was running with all of her might to get down the subway stairs to make it into the car and it just wasn’t meant to be. She tripped over the last stair and lurched forward.

It was the especially embarrassing brand of trip ‘n fall; the kind where you don’t just ((splat)) take a fall. You trip forward and you keep trying to save yourself but stumbling….Save yourself, fall forward, no save yourself, so close!!

Her overpriced sugar-free vanilla soy latte went everywhere, completely staining her shirt that isn’t anywhere near as cool as she probably thinks it is.

Everyone stared at her as she let out a dejected whine, sounding quite a bit like a goat in labor.

Uch. Poor girl. What a way to start the day today.

…And that girl was me.

Abreva for Greeny too

2009-05-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

Todd didn't mention in this torrid tale than I too, fell under the addictive spell of Abreva. Abreva is a seductive lady...
For over a week she (Katie, not Abreva) and I would swap stories on the phone, both of us searching the mirror for any sign of a cold sore....Never happened.But we were both so tingly!! We were sure it was just a second away!!
Her paranoia is health and disease related which is grounded in science and genuine concern... I on the other hand was much more concerned that someone would FIND my Abreva in my bag... And then they would start calling me "Stepha-Herpes" (Or something more creative.)
So I used a little zippered pouch for the teensy tube of cream and then I put THAT in a wallet I no longer use and THEN I put in the inner hidden zipper pocket of my purse.
So, all of you; SHHHHH!!!!!!

Which reminds me...

2009-05-15T07:26:00.001-07:00

This story reminded me of another story.

One in which a few years ago, I felt a tingle in my lip.

Being a little um...hyper sensitive to bodily issues... I googled

"Lip tingling"

what comes up?

yes. HERPES. stage one TINGLE.

so...in an emotional panic, I ran to CVS and picked up a tube of this Abreva (NOT CHEAP!)

I begin to apply the product to my lip, three...to um...let's say nine times a day.

About two weeks go by, and it turns out, iIdidn't ever get a cold sore, and after being tested by the Dr. (yes went that far). Did not have (STILL DO NOT HAVE) the Herps.

but what did happen you ask?

My lip continued to tingle non stop, as my father explained was because my lip developed an addiction to the medication, and I was going through withdrawal.

to sum up = twenty dollars, and lots of tingling.

Totally cool.

2009-05-15T07:18:00.002-07:00

DEAR

LORD

It would appear that my employer is suffering from a bit of the ol' Herpes.

She just came out of the bathroom with white cream all over her mouth and said

"I'm falling apart. I have a headache"

not making notice of the BLOBS of abreva all over her face.

Want to know how I know she has Herpes?

Because she said to me yesterday "I have some herpes and the shivers"

She is from another country.

I assume she just has some like cold soars, not like the full on STD we all know and love.

But she does not know the social norms we have here in this county and how you don't go around saying things like "I have Herpes and my alarm clock did not go off"

Did the envelope have your name on it?

2009-05-15T07:18:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJCqahL6BmM

Best Real World moment EVER.

Thank you Dorito.

Svetlana...no one wants to hear a Russian lobster do a one woman broadway review!

2009-05-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

Well here I am... being a lobster. Duh.

Murph (swedish chef/sort of) and I got a gig at this baller Zoo fundraiser, to promote the comedy spot. Every restaurant in the city pretty much, along with music, and assorted other vendors were there. If I were wealthy...and um...cared about Asian Elephants, I would totally have paid to get in as a guest. Not the hired help.

I spent two hours switching accents, singing, running from the chef, getting buttered by the chef, posing for photos as I announced that I was indeed yes, the famous lobster from the movies (my scene from Castaway was cut), yelling for my lost parents "Pedro and Frances" who went to hang out in a hot tub the chef told them about...

Look out James Lipton... I am almost there.
oy.

OK!

2009-05-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

ooooh! This makes me feel hot and sexy and... No wait, it just makes me want buttered popcorn and gummy sharks. I LOVE how the tummies are white.

It's Green eye's dad. not mine.

2009-05-14T13:07:00.000-07:00

Ah yes... Such fond memories have I of my father and I at the fair together... He would put on his horse suit and say "Now Stephanie...We shant be telling your mother OR Child Protection Services about this, shant we?"

... Upon further examination I realize we are not headed to the fair in this photograph. Whoops!
*We were actually on our way to the dentist.

Fun with Dad

2009-05-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

The Tale

2009-05-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

OK Orson.

Here is the story.

I was on the train ( I think) with Green eyed Todd, having a riveting discussion of world leaders and corn (or something else, whatever) as we segwayed on to the topic of everyone's favorite T.G.I.F show "Perfect Strangers"

We began to giggle as we both remembered the dance video entitled Balki B

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F28LW9NWOCk

After singing the lyrics we could remember, Green eyes says something like

"oh and remember how Orson Larry's character worked with the mom from Family Matters?"

to which I replied...

"um.. who is Orson Larry?"

to which she replies

"um..the American that Balki lives with"

to which I replied

"um.....you mean COUSIN Larry...said by Balki Bartokomous with a fake greek/mypos accent?"

to which we both began laughing so loud that we got pepper sprayed by a metro employee.

almost true.

The Daughter of your Aunt and Uncle is your ORSON?

2009-05-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hey Todd! (Yes you!) I was just thinking, the tale you tell of how our names “Todd” came to be is heartwarming and pithy.
But what I think our friends need to read is how ORSON came about!
*Trust me guys, it’s funny… And I come off looking really, really stupid.

*ADDED BONUS: It involves the revolutionary program “Perfect Strangers.” What?! No kids, it’s not your birthday. Life is just this great!!

-Go on Orson, give them what they want! Listen up everyone

Having trouble controlling the VOLUME OF MY VOICE

2009-05-07T06:56:00.000-07:00

And now for a new segment I have made of overheard conversations.
This one took place on the S9 bus this morning.

"what the Fu*# is wrong with that Nig*#a anyways. You know he never wear shorts?"
"what the hell you mean he don't wear no shorts"
"man you saw him commin out Ray Ray's house with them mesh jeans on"
"oh yeah, thems made out the same material as Darnell's sweatshirt!!!"

Lady Gwedlyn of Yorken Houser Schmitt

2009-05-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well it happened.

My dreams came true.

I, along with 4 other curious scavengers attended my very first Medieval times;

Dinner and Tournament.

Its sort of like a mini Disney world you don't have to fly to with the souvies, teens in costume, families in matching shirts, and a plethora of food.

But unlike Disney...

We ate a 5 course meal with our fingers!

HUZAH!

We posed in front of a green screen to create a photo of us fighting a dragon!

(but the picture cost like twenty bones, so obviously, we did not purchase.

We drank beer and got to keep the hologram medy time cups!

We cheered for the blue night and wore blue crowns! (sort of like the burger king ones)

We ate till we farted and got served by a 90 pound wench

We DID NOT embarrass ourselves (myself) with our fear of horses!

All in all, the night was a true success, except for our lame curly haired creech knight

(#51) who did not win the match but DID win my heart when he kissed a crumpled carnation and then threw it at me.

Can Anyone Spare a Dinette Set?

2009-05-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

After paying my 2nd month’s rent in my new apartment I decided it might be a good time to start unpacking.
(This is actually quite a feat considering the first apartment I had in NYC I didn’t unpack the whole year I lived there… It made moving out rather smooth)

I stayed up the entire night, locking myself inside and unpacking; determined to make it happen for realsies this time.
Also, it’s a fifth floor walkup so I need to think of like, a REALLY good reason to justify leaving. Like a fire or if I hear the Good Humor truck.

My dream home would probably be a marriage of Pam Anderson’s beach house (fine, I watched Cribs ONCE!) and Pee Wee’s Playhouse. And instead of that holy matrimony, by 7am my apartment was more of a fucked up orgy between T.J Maxx, the rarely seen apartment of Newman on Seinfeld and one of those Navajo blankets on the sidewalk covered in random dusty housewares and crappy trinkets that homeless people try and sell for 80 cents.
The only sign of PeeWee’s Playhouse was my super cool robot clock that my roommate keeps “misplacing” in the very back of the highest kitchen cabinet.

I have a great little rug to go in front of the couch, below the coffee table. But I still need a couch and a coffee table. Oh and a TV stand.
And maybe some art or pictures.
And maybe a mop.
And maybe a shelf or some kind of crate.
And a chair.
Maybe a glass and some plates? Maybe another spoon so I have two?

Until those items magically appear I am fairly content in my ways; filling a laundry bag with dirty clothes and leaning against it like a bean bag chair while I eat 98% fat free Hebrew National hot dogs out of a cereal bowl with a plastic fork.
(Goodburger ketchup packet an optional garnish)

My all time FAV

2009-05-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.html

is Art Art? are we Art? Did Art Fart?

2009-05-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.mrpicassohead.com/create.html

What the What! Thanks Faye

2009-04-30T15:38:00.001-07:00

http://www.babelgum.com/html/clip.php?clipId=147374

drawing game with LEFT hands.

2009-04-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

"becuz finally u can fill out that dress"

2009-04-29T12:32:00.001-07:00

Thanks Ksawn

http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/

Creech #37

2009-04-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

So my brother and I began using the word "creature" to describe people who are gross

(it actually started with my grandparent's toy poodle who had diarrhea, and was kind of sickly and purple looking)

Anyways...its a nickname for people who are just not right.

I am not saying they are bad people...some creatures are even found to be very kind, good, well intended folk! This is purely superficial.

So in my lifetime I have come across MANY a "creech" (that's the shortened version of creature, if you are not following)

Meet creech #37

He is not that much older than myself

He is originally from NY and has a mumbled, lazy, accented speech

He is married (she must also be some form of a creech)

He has babies (let's hope creech-ness skips a generation)

He wears a terrible hair piece situation that looks greasy and off balance

He wears ill fitting baggy dress clothes EXCEPT for casual Fridays when he wears 90's Tommy Hilfiger jeans

but mostly...

the prompt of this post is eating habbits.

I think perhaps he is some form of a Man-A-Rexic-wannabee

He mostly eats Grapfruit and weird frozen Kosher veggie patties.

Today however,

Creech #37 walked by me on the way to his office,

with a bag of iceberg lettuce and a bottle of yellow mustard

no plate

no silverware

Green Eyed Todd's Movie Monday (like a week and two days late)

2009-04-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Big apologies to the throngs and throngs of dedicated followers who have no doubt struggled with the emptiness they felt when I dropped the ball on Movie Monday…Rest assured this will NOT happen again!
(Yeah, uh, it probably will)

Alright friends… I assume everyone is caught up through the next half hour (minutes 30 through 60) in the moving picture we are so blessed to view; She’s Too Young…

Um side note; I feel the need to mention that when I last viewed the film on YouTube there were only 38,109 views. Of course I must account for a few of them so that means that less than 38,105 people are closely following this blog and its new movie addition!
Tell your friends people!!!
38,105!
That’s just an embarrassment.

((Clears throat))
Let’s not let this distract us from our art;

The second 30 minutes of She’s Too Young starts with a super-intense moment; Nick is explaining to Hanna how busting down on her knees like a skank hoe (I’m not sure those were his words) would “bring us closer”.
Uch. C’mon Hanna…Do you really want to be so close to Nick? The boy parts his hair down the center and wears a THUMB ring!
Nick, in all of his gentlemanly glory, expresses to Hanna that she can tell whomever she wants to at school.

Hanna the Future Bearer of a Mouth Sore: “So the whole school is gonna know I went down on you?!”

Nick Douchey McBungHole: “It will help your reputation”:

They sit silently for a moment until Nick dredges up something deep, sincere, profound and intellectual to reassure her with. (See above to understand the use of initials below…duh)

NDMBH: “Wanna go out tomorrow?”
HFBMS: “…okay.”

Wow…Just…Wow. Where was this Prince Charming Jr. when I was just a young lass on the prowl for mouth sores to call my very own?

That night Hanna reminds us as viewers that teenagers live in a fast paced and mysterious world, with lots of abbreviated words and neon colors…Expressed best in the chatroom where she types with Bekka in a chatroom called…ready for it? …TEEN PLAYA!

Hanna’s Dumb Online Moniker: “I had this fantasy of it…”

Bekka’s Dumb Online Moniker: “All romantic and passionate?”

HDOM: “soo not though!”

BDOM: “it gets better when you REALLY do it…trust me.”

HDOM: I’m bummin.

*KEY: For all you proper literary snobs out there, “bummin” is a teen derivation of “bumming”; to be unhappy, unsatisfied, to have a frowny face.

Let’s skip ahead a tad to my most FAVORITE line of the entire movie… Dawn, (the uglier slut) Hanna and Bekka (the pretty and popular slut) are babysitting together… With a small child in the same room and no one even paying her any attention, Dawn looks up suddenly.

“Hey guys! I have syphilis.”

It was a similar tone of voice to one you might use for “Hey Guys! I have shoelaces.”

Bekka the cute slut: “Well you did some nasty guys!”

Dawn the ehh looking slut: “I did the same guys you did!!”

Like sweet, supportive friends Hanna and Bekka kick Dawn out before Nick and Brad arrive.
They watch soft-core porn and get majorly drunk…well, buzzed….wellll…okay thirst-quenched…on wine coolers that the boys bring.
…Because nothing says masculine like showing up with Zima and a white wine spritzer.

(Here’s a secret between you and me…those wine coolers are SO good!”)

Suddenly the boys want a switcheroo! They want to trade girls’ blowjobs like magic cards!

Nick: “Don’t worry, Brad’s gonna be good to you.”

Hanna: “I don’t want Brad.”

Brad: “Hey you’re not in middle school anymore! Girls in high school would give up their cake and whatever bags for me.”

(huh?)

Hanna leaves while Bekka grins devilishly at Nick and Brad. I guess Bekka does both dudes? Ew.
Well, on the other hand, if the boys were ice cream, who wouldn’t want 2 flavors at once?!

Days later, as the school nurse hounds everyone for names of people giving and getting school bathroom blowjobs, Hanna finds a sore in her mouth while brushing her teeth right before she leaves for school.
I mention this NOT because it’s pertinent to the story that she acquires syphilis, learns a lesson or becomes ill… I mention it because I find it disgusting that someone goes about their whole morning and is almost ready to leave the house BEFORE they’ve brushed their teeth!
That’s revolting. Brushing your chompers is a first-thing-in-the-morning-must. It is this reason and not the mouth sore that I choose not to make out with Hanna today.

-STAY TUNED!! I hope I am as excited as you are for what will come next!

we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one

2009-04-28T13:53:00.001-07:00

Thank you Dory by way of Tony:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Sir it's swine...gulp...

2009-04-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

May she rest

2009-04-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

Well as seen from previous posts... it's clear that I am truly saddned by the loss of my dear friend Bea Arthur. Yeah, we were friends.

She was a comic gem, and held a special place in our hearts.

Thank you Tara for the link, and the love.

http://tr.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9S9U62xAA4&feature=PlayList&p=BEB416E29F0425FC&index=102

Girls have dolls

2009-04-24T11:02:00.001-07:00

http://michiedo.blogspot.com/2008/12/im-glad-im-boy-im-glad-im-girl.html

gettin better...

2009-04-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

Stay out of the kitchen

2009-04-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

A girl from high school

(who shall remain nameless so I don't get murdered...)
was once quoted in saying

"I hate Katie so much, I just wanna hit her in the head with a frying pan"

She just friended me on the ol' f book.

An age old debate

2009-04-23T07:40:00.001-07:00

for those of you missed this the first round...

I am in a life long debate with Kswan over pretty much everything you could debate in this world.

However.

Our most important topic...

WHO IS UGLIER

Jay Z....or Luda...?

Oy

2009-04-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

Dude, I'm late for work. I gained a few pounds

and my wearable chariot was really snug!

And also...

2009-04-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

This was the guy in front of me.

Yeah, Earth is tight.

2009-04-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

It was earth day on the mall today!

Got to see Moe and The Flaming lips FO FREE

The day started off hot as grits and ended up cold as milk

so Seiler made me a fancy warming device out of a free bag.

pass the SASS will you Dorothy!

2009-04-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

Rose: "Why are you two wearing black....did you just come from a funeral?"

Dorothy: "No Rose, we were singing back up for Jonny Cash"

Bless the Halmark channel.

2009-04-15T16:30:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that comcast code for this show is
D= Suggestive Dialogue

heck yeah it is...

Then the dish should get is f-ing ass back here...

2009-04-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

Green eye's new favorite thing ever...

I am scared and in love and enraptured all at once...It's sort of like I want to throw up but I would be puking delightful heart shaped wonders.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeuGAuZKIq4

Green Eyed Todd's Movie Monday!!!

2009-04-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

How exciting! Here we are, with the first installment of Movie Monday; has everyone done their part and viewed the first 30 minutes of She’s Too Young?

(By the way it’s very easy to find on YouTube and it’s even separated into 10 minute increments so…yeah. Point being; you have no excuse.)

(((clears throat)))

Let’s begin.

This bundle of movie magic opens to a fast cutting montage of girls applying too much makeup; a giveaway for teens growing up too fast and the angst-filled trouble that will surely follow!
(That means syphilis).

We meet good girl Hannah. In all of her innocent, very childlike beauty; she would make a pervert traveling to Thai land a very happy man. Watching her practice the cello we’re reminded once again of her inexperience as with fear, her legs stiffly and uncomfortably fall open to accommodate the cello as if her knees are fragile new orphan babies that were just informed octo-mom would be taking them home.

Hannah’s friend Dawn is less than beautiful and therefore understandably slutty. Furthermore she has been blessed/cursed with a real hands on mother; always taking her hands off some new dude’s junk to remind Dawn that popularity is directly related to time spent in the back of a van with some older guy who probably got his douche-tastic leather jacket from JC Penney.

Let’s pause to admire the movie for keeping up with cutting edge urban slang, proven in the hotel room scene when the girl with bad teeth and worse hair asks “Where’s the glove?”

Glove you say? Is that a condom?

Is she interrogating OJ Simpson?

Some more stuff happens to establish gasp-worthy (by Lifetime standards) teen behavior.

But it was kind of boring.

Yikes, this is getting long! Let me quickly summarize some important moments by selecting quotes that help illustrate the story.

“His name is Nick, he’s seriously, like, the most popular guy in school.” - Hannah

“The guys say you look like Angelina Jolie but she’s a dog next to you” - Nick

(Stupid Hannah swoons like an idiot)

“I hate the Cineplex… My dad has a great DVD collection at home.” -Nick

(Boy code for: “I hope you brought your own kneepads.”)

“I got you a present!” - Nick

(This is the part where we pretend that hideous necklace didn’t come from a mall kiosk next to the one where they sell decorative rocks and fake waterfalls.)

“Hey Grrrrl!” – more cutting edge urban slang between Hannah and Dawn via internet.

---Meanwhile, back in the school nurse’s office…-----

“Dawn you have syphilis” – kindly state health department lady filling a position that doesn’t exist in real life.

“Dawn I need names of people you’ve had sex with…This includes oral even though I know you kids don’t count it….Dawn?” – see above

(Oh yeah, I’m so sure… Remember that time that girl got pregnant via pearl necklace? Please… The worst she got was a minor rash...as well as the startling realization that this kind of ‘pearl necklace’ can’t be found at Claire’s Boutique.

“…I’m counting” – Dawn

(I wonder if she’s including whoever’s stepfather clearly damaged her at a young age.)

“15 to 20? Dawn you’ve had sex with 15 to 20 guys?” – that same state health department buttinsky

“That guy Nick, he’s the Campus Casanova…Let’s call him Patient Zero” – State department loser lady to the school nurse.

I SWEAR the above quote is real!

Dum de dum dum! I hope you’re all with me when I say I cannot wait for next week’s installment of Movie Monday! What will happen next?! This is an ensemble cast so my guess is, whoo-hoo! – Syphilis for everyone!

-Please share your comments and thoughts on this wonderful film as we watch; thus far the only thing it’s really lacking is Morgan Freeman.

quit playin, you know you my whole world

2009-04-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.hulu.com/watch/66317/saturday-night-live-girlfriend-voice#s-p1-st-i0

Thanks BBC

2009-04-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

Romeo Dev, the world's smallest bodybuilder stands next to a model of the tallest human being, to promote an exhibition in Piccadilly Circus, London.

Whats with Todd?

2009-04-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

Good question Meg dog
(thank you for taking time from your country fried steak to write me an email)

Stephanie and Katie met freshman year at Indiana University.
They became instant friends once they figured out that they wore the same shoe size.

One day they watched "Zoolander" on the dorm television and enjoyed once particular scene where Mugatu yells at his assistant "Todd"

"Not now Todd..i'm so tired" he says...

The girls said this to one another quiet often which then turned into
"Not now Todd...I have homwork" or
"Sure Todd..but use more cheese" or
"Yes Todd... her pants are really ill fitting"

They then took the joke one step further (which they often did)
and discovered the joy of being in a public place and saying

"Todd?" (from Katie)
"Yes Todd?" (from Stephanie)

And so the Todd was born

May he rest

2009-04-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

Today I would like to take a moment of Silence to remember Sam.

World Champion, friend and lover.

TAGLINE? ...TO FIT IN, YOU GOTTA PUT OUT...No I'm serious. That's the tagline.

2009-04-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

For everyone's wonderment and joy I have jotted down a quick and simple summary of our upcoming voyage to the world of serious film...
*Please note all film reviews will be posted in Courier New font... Because let's face it, it seems a little more filmy... Um, also I don't want anyone to mistake it for me talking about my own life... Because I don't have syphillis.

High school Freshman Hannah Vogul is the good girl; you can tell because she wears oxford shirts and plays a musical instrument.

But then bad boy Nick Hartman ((INSERT GASP)) convinces her to fellate him (that is grown-up talk for blowjob) and then invites her to a group fellate-ish party!

But then friend Dawn confesses her contraction of ((say the next word in a threatening tone)) SYPHILLIS…

There is a school out break of ((say the next word in a threatening tone)) SYPHILLIS.

What will happen with Hannah’s self esteem, her new hobby of blowjobs, her relationship with her parents, her mouth sores?

All as a result of ((you know what to do!)) SYPHILLIS.

Marsha Gay Harden stars as Hannah’s thick-thighed yet concerned mother and co-starring as Hannah’s good friend is this other girl who I recognized from stuff I can’t remember.

Join me on this adventure my friends! Next Monday, an impassioned review and really, a blog-o-riffic therapy session on the first 30 minutes of what I can tell will be a new addition to the list of Great American Films.

*Click on the link below to see the summarizing clips of "She's Too Young" that some douche took the time to put against Pink's "Who New"... Y'know, that really dumb song by Pink.
**Oh sorry, will narrow down; the really dumb song by Pink that is entitled, "Who Knew."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cstWgX_aWlI

AN EXCITING NEW ADDITION! BROUGHT TO YOU BY GREEN EYES MCGEE, BUT AT THE BRILLIANT BEHEST OF OLD BLUE EYES...

2009-04-06T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hello friends!

I am thrilled to be the bearer of awesome news; from now on MOVIE MONDAY shall commence.

I will be picking important films to watch in segments and then sharing a lively synopsis each Monday, of the half-hour watched during the week.

My reviews might be a bit more Todd-ized than the typical newspaper entry; perhaps the first half hour of Overboard is not about establishing a woman’s emptiness despite having immense wealth. To me it is much more about the metallic thong Goldie Hawn donned or the seemingly insignificant part where Travis takes a walk with a young girl.

What happened on the walk?
Did he get to second base?

A wise critic will always ask the right questions…
I strive to bring the world of film to life for you, make this a visual novel, nay, a cinematic journey of wonder and delight!

This is serious. This is important.

With all that said, our first film will be the Lifetime original movie “She’s Too Young.”

g'day Mate, take a turn if y' dare!

2009-04-03T10:36:00.000-07:00

So I bit the bullet and got a GPS mumbo jumbo.
I set the voice to Australian man.

Just me, the open road, and "Hugh Jackman"

where is that darn sailfin catfish?

2009-04-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

My sister Dory is so famous.

Here is a link to her company's current project she been done worked on.

http://www.history.com/minisites/life_after_people

WHAT UP!

Lest we forget this gem...

2009-04-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

For those of you not yet privy to our favorite game...KS and I like to pick something to draw.
We then each take a few moments to draw the same thing and show each other when we are done. Sometimes I am not sure where the disconnect is from my head to my pen, but you can not deny how good my Shrek is.

Man, this chick's hair is WEIRD!

2009-04-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

My dream prince

2009-04-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I got to see non other than Mr. J Peterman on the stage.
He was staring in "Chicago" as the silver fox lawyer Billy Flynn.

As much as I enjoyed his song and dance...I really just wanted to here him say:

"That reminds me of the Haitian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you?.......Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can And if you are undead - I'll find out about that too."

"tolerance is my middle name"

2009-04-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

GREEN EYED Todd: I love that picture!! It makes me want to have an arranged marriage with a heavily beaded frock.
BLUE EYED Todd: Can you believe that happened?! It's like its from a tv show or something.
GREEN EYED Todd: It IS! It is from the movie "Slumdog Middle Class"
BLUE EYED Todd: hahaha

Tajiks know how to flirt like best of em'

2009-04-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

As many of you do too I'm sure... I have a friend studying abroad in Tajikistan. She took her camera into a photo shop to have the zoom repaired and got her camera back with

THIS PICTURE ON IT.

Thank you Carrie.

Thank you Tajikistan.

Hello?

2009-04-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74

On our morning commute KS and I listen to our favorite (only?) DC DJ
Kane on Hot 99.5
He is doing a segment now where he reads old love letters he found written by his wife's first fiance to her when they were in love. It's his "revenge"?

one line in the letter said

"They say you are what you eat, and I until now I didn't know it possible for one to eat Angels"

Shalom Hadassah this is Katie

2009-04-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

This is my friend Stanley. He loves April fools day so much, it's not even funny.

sure, why not.

2009-03-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

me: do you mind if I use your last name? for my story on my blog?
randazzo: like were married?
me: HAHA no like "randazzo says"
randazzo: thats fine
josephrrandazzo: im sure there are tons of randazzos out there. That could be anyone
me: perhaps people will think I am friends with the onion writer!
randazzo: yes

Katie' AV club

2009-03-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

Let's start at the beginning shall we?
I am out to late night drinks/snacks with some friends after one friend's stand up gig.
The crowd is mixed with friends, and adult family of the comedian.

The topic of underpants comes up, which really...when does it not?
So I of course get into a disagreement with Randazzo, which really...when do I not?

I vote that men and women alike should wear underpants all the time, no reason not to and of course Randazzo argues the opposite. We then get into one of his "pro" bullet points of getting to see some AV (accidental Vagina) to which I object, can not be an ideal way to get to see this part of a woman.
"Seeing a drunk fool stumble into the road and flash her business is a GOOD thing?"
"Of course it is" says Randazzo.

We now being to make a list...of all of the ways one could actually see a Vagina accidentally and also intentionally.
1. At a beach
2. In a sexual context
3. At a Dr's office
4. By spying
5. When your grandmas pants fall down
6. The drunken upskirt situation
7. Changing situations (at the gym, fashion show)

Another friend chimes in that we sound as if we are on Family Feud and we have fun with this notion for about 6 minutes
"show me....AT THE BEACH..."
"Out of 100 people surveyed how many people said "SPYING??"
"survey says....X"

Now at this point my obnoxious cackle is quite audible and the table next comprised of our comedian friend and his mature family. They being asking what the giggles are for...Randazzo feel this is a topic for all ears, while I kick him under the table and say
"ixnay the agina Vay..."

Against my recommendation/frowny face he continues on to tell this entire story to this adult table. One man enjoyed it, and even chimed in with his own witty commentary. The others...wished us all death with their eyes.

What we have taken away from this is that
"Accidental Vagina" would make a great band name.

An adolescent wolf and those intolerant of such

2009-03-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

Old Blue Eyes Todd frequently plays hostess for get togethers large and small.
(I would too, except that I don't care for people.)

Some moons ago, one gathering seemed especially joyous as we frolicked in our basement playing beer pong and jamming to Jurassic 5 and the Backstreet Boys. (Oh they're back...ALRIGHT!)Suddenly the joyousness was less joyous. A boy who wore weird t shirts had shown up and he and his weird t shirt pretended not to know that he was shunned for having once treated the blue-eyed Todd as less than the Dream Princess Surprise Chocolate Sundae To The Power of Ten Incredible Lady that she is.His chest hair was oddly plentiful and even oddliier exposed with his top buttons undone as though he was opening for Sigfried and Roy. (Um..okay just Sigfried then...Or just Roy? Which one did McGruff the Crime Tiger take a bite out of?)

Gesturing to his exposed ad for chesty carpeting, I leaned over and snidely announced,
"Hey I like your whole teen wolf look."
But Nick, AJ, Brian and Howie were belting, "Am I originAL? YEEEEAH!" and he didn't hear me.

So blue-eyed Todd had me loudly repeat the mediocre dig until he finally heard me.
"I said I like your whole teen wolf look!"
"I said I like your TEEN WOLF look!"
"I SAID...I LIKE YOUR WHOLE TEEEEN WOOOLF LOOK!!!"

-Because that's what friends do.Later he got what he had coming to him and a small goat came over and peed in his mouth after he passed out.
....That last part might not be 100% factual. But until he steps forward to contest my claim, I will stick by it. You know who you are...

and your torso looks like the top of a paintbrush.

I will say this and then we shant bring it up again...No use beating a dead ho-...I mean, a dead Gingerbread Man. May he rest...

2009-03-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

Such a good point Todd, thank yee ever so much.
She is a bad friend and a dirty liar. Which compels me to request a moment of silence for that poor little gingerbread man she decapitated with her greedy thin-lipped mouth. He tried to tell her friends the truth! He tried to do what is right and just in this world and she bites his head off...That deserves its own episode of American Justice on A&E.
HE clearly was a contributing member of society...And yet like so many other senseless crimes, we are left only with the lesser one; an oddly tall stupid-head that deserves to have hamster poop smeared on the collars of all her shirts.....Fabreeze THIS bitch!

P.S

2009-03-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

SO true todd. Well said.

I would also to like to point out this glade woman is not only a lazy wife, mother and a bad friend...she is a LIAR.

How is she ok with lying to everyone she cares about?
She pretends to make gingerbread cookies but really lights a freaking candle.
She pretends to clean the house all day but really plays tennis, eats lunch and sprays fabrese
She buys a really cool cheap candle that smells good and totally LIES to those near and dear to her heart.

I hate the glad lady too.
And I hope she gets whats commin to her.
(which is obviously that her husband is sleeping with one of her friends. duh)

Green eyes doesn't even have cable but she has thoughts.

2009-03-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

Secret guilty pleasure admission du jour:

Sometimes I sing those FreeCreditReport.Com commercials to myself... Except for it's out loud... And occasionally for the purposes of serenading my dog while I hold him up and make his legs dance along. Or serenading an entire subway car, whatEVER...Tomay-to, Tomah-to.They are just so gosh darn clever!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMXv0__CYSU

I mean, come ON! That is a straight up treat!

Non-secret guilt un-inducing HATRED du jour...as well as every other jour:

That Glade candle lady.... I mean, come ON! First of all, you are annoyingly tall. I can especially tell when you do your FAKE yoga with your lame ass friends! Your downward dog is NOT evenly distributing your weight among your limbs and I certainly don't think you are doing your best to plant your ankles into the ground!
Furthermore, how dare you betray the brand (Glade) that has served you so well and let you become a lazy hang of a housewife who wears pleated khakis?! When you told your other, also lame ass, friends that it was a "French scent..Y'know, from France!" you not only bit your thumb at a loyal product that has apparently changed your existence for the better BUT you ALSO made MY life miserable because it prompted your queen-of-idiots friend to announce "Ohh! Haven't you heard of Glah-day?!" Thus, getting on my nerves whenever I, in true masochist fashion, sit through that commercial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4jScvBuGHI

How dare you. You should go get a job.

double dutch

2009-03-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

OK
I will call this segment "yeah, that sounds about right you nerd herd"

When we graduated from elementary school, and prepared for our entry into 5th grade, they put together some sort of year book with our photo and benith it, an answer to a question.

The prompt of this question was something to the effect of
"What are you looking forward to in the future"
or "what are you future plans"
or "what do you want to do when you are older"

some common answers were:
Become a marine bologist
publish a novel
Be a teacher
Be a firefighter
Have my own children and drive a minivan

My answer?
"Join the ropes of thunder"
(Ropes of Thunder: The jump rope team(?) that you could be in in the 5th grade.)

I think I sort of misunderstood the assignment.

I didn't even try out.

should I be grossed out?

2009-03-26T08:37:00.001-07:00

because i'm not.
i'm hungry.

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/page/3

you can take the girl out of Serbia...

2009-03-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

OK
so my boss.

She's from Serbia and she is super sweet and I adore her as a person, but sometimes her foreign ways just take over. Like how she talks to me when i'm in the bathroom. Or how she wears floods and ill fitting tops. Or how she uses expressions like "we run round like chickens with NO heads!"

Or

like how just now she said "tough titties"

mmmmmmmhhhmmmm.

close

2009-03-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

That bit about me being jealous or not?
That is SOOOO something Thaddeus Templeton would've mentioned over morning announcements.

Economy Shmonomy!

2009-03-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

I would also like to say for the record, that green todd's eyes are a magical earthen mixture of green moss and fairy wings with eye lashes from a cover girl commercial..

Also. Not only does she like to buy new socks before washing the old ones...
She has also not once...but TWICE
purchased brand new sheets when I came to visit instead of just washing her regular ones.

Just sayin.

IT IS SO LAME WHAT I CAUGHT MYSELF SAYING TO MYSELF WHEN MYSELF WAS TALKING TO MYSELF IN MY HEAD

2009-03-24T11:23:00.002-07:00

ME IN MY HEAD TO MYSELF: Man Steph you haven't done laundry in forever, it's really ridiculous.
MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: I know, it's embarrassing! This is the third time I've bought new socks instead of doing laundry!
ME IN MY HEAD TO MYSELF: What?! You're so dumb...Hey i wonder how it is that you've run out of clean socks but not yet out of clean underwear.

MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: ...Oh yeah...Oh, well, probably because with socks you wear two at a time...So you, um, use them up faster.

ME IN MY HEAD TO MYSELF: Did you really just fucking say that? I am totally posting that so that everyone can see what an idiot you are.

MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: ...Crap.

Green eyed who?

2009-03-24T11:23:00.001-07:00

I would like to just VERY quickly take a moment to establish that Todd (Katie) has Ray Liotta-esque eyes the color of a beautious ocean combined with the clearest of summer skies and a blueberry pie that has been put into the blender with half a cup of 2% milk.They are super pretty.Mine are green.That's why Todd called/calls me the "green eyed todd."I'm not evil and jealous.Wanted to make that clear.

Green eyes has a crush on Shaq?

2009-03-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXTQZBrqtVk

An ESPN commercial starring Shaq, along with Stuart Scott and Mike Breen...
I can't explain why but I just love this, I think it's the funniest thing on TV. It's more of a visual journey to funnyland that it is some random ad hawking a sports channel.Plus I love scrabble....Just watch. It's so fucking funny...Well, to me. But I am also kind of stupid.

This is just like the time...

2009-03-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

This situation reminds me of the time that green eyed todd said to me

"oh man, we had this kid in our high school on the morning announcements named
THADIUS TEMPLETON!"

to which I replied

"no. that was my high school."

Back up the trolly...

2009-03-22T17:31:00.000-07:00

OK.
I posted that note from the other todd (steph, who always be in italics so you know...)
because I thought it was funny and well written.

HOWEVER

As she and I have spent many a fortnight in communication with one another, it seems to be quite a problem where we (well mostly she) gets stories confused.
I do not dislike this expression. "6 of one half a dozen of the other"

the REAL story is that I use it wrong. On purpose.
Always. In an effort to upset her.

I will say something to the effect of
"they didn't have the kind string cheese I like! oh well...6 of one, half a dozen of the other"

I give you...the green eyed Todd

2009-03-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

"Many times in one’s (no not Juan’s) life you will weigh options equally.
Should we take the freeway or 1st avenue to the funeral for Great Aunt Bessie’s (who isn’t even our real aunt) 12th cat?
(This time it was the grody, obese grayish cat that smelled like the pot of water right after you finished boiling all the hot dogs.)

Doesn’t matter. Same distance, same time spent. Choose whichever.
But the other Todd (duh, Katie) HATES when I (frequently) say,
“6 of one, half dozen of the other.”

Why do you hate this Todd? What do you have against equality in this world? Or is it about something else?
Personally I find it quite charming because “half dozen” is sort of like “baker’s dozen” and then I think of pastries.
Is that it? Do you hate pastries Todd? It’s true you’ve never cared for heated fruits.
I, as well I’m sure all of our loyal readers, look forward to your response and we will all try hard to be more respectful of your distaste.

You can post here or write separately and then copy/paste it.
6 of one, half dozen of the other."

Anyone poop green?

2009-03-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

Just curious.

OK my Todd (Stephanie, duh. I already told you this)
made a wonderful suggestion to have a competition!

NAME THE BABY!

please make any suggestion for a wonderful and or hilarious new name for baby beyonce.

The winner gets a framed picture of the baby wearing a T shirt with your name on it.
Let's go.

My pinky is doing better THANKS FOR ASKING.

2009-03-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

OK
so my brother and his wife are like...going to have a baby.
While she is carrying this thing around we like to call it Beyonce and sometimes Lil' Wayne.

However, I am going to take a stab and say that my J Crew draped siblings are not actually going to call their infant one of these options.

So I made a list for them:

Lipton
Chauncey
Seahorse
RayRay
Paullet
and Flagstaff

obviously all but Flagstaff are gender neutral.

Theriouthly?

2009-03-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Alright.
Friday laughs are in order here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFo_hyEAmHw&feature=related

If you don't enjoy people falling down then you should just stop reading this blog.
Because we don't need your kind here.

Also I might get fired for not doing anything today but watching this on loop.
i'll pack my things, which include:

Valentines Chihuahua Beanie Baby from my mom (i'm not kidding)
Burt's Bees lotion that was a bad purchase. Really bad.
large bottle of Advil
About ten Equal packets

Thats it. I'm packed.

"Did anyone ever figure out who let the Dogs out" - Gary Klein

2009-03-12T11:27:00.001-07:00

Alright.
My sister Dory reminded me of my Pet Peeve book I was writing in high school.
it was hilarious and I have no idea where it is...
So I will start a new.

When a public bathroom sink water is like...burning hot

Tyler Perry

When people talk about how MTV is crap and does not play music videos anymore WE KNOW.

Birds as pets

When people act like they do not know celebrity gossip but they TOTALLY DO. They know. unless its Faye. She actually probably does not know.

Day three of my pinky being numb

2009-03-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

Josh says its the beginning stages of schizophrenia.

Dear God it's me Katie

2009-03-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Does this work?
Am I in the interwebs?
I am such a techo-spaz-lagard that I actually am nervous about this.
Oh and also because I can't spell. Some find it to be irritating. Other's charming...?

I wanted to call this blog Bojangles as it is my word of choice however after looking it up on Urban dictionary it would appear to refer to a chicken and biscuit restaurant...and then from there to a woman with thick legs and thighs so ugh...

The Toddys it is! (Stephanie and I call each other Todd.) (Duh).