Green Eyes hates Territories.

You know what’s lame ass? Me. Why? Because Sunday was the National Puerto Rican Day Parade. It’s colorful and loud and amazing with fantastic music and food and the constant honking of horns as people wave Puerto Rican flags.

(There has been a small issue in the past of people pissing in the flowers lining the Park avenue sidewalk…but let’s blame that on a lack of porta-potties.

Port-a-potty?

Portapotty?

Port-o-potty?

Porter-potty?

Uh…bathrooms.


But I didn’t feel well on Sunday.


So in reaction to the live and in color Puerto Rican Day parade only blocks from my home…

I did the whitest thing imaginable.

I laid down on a yoga matt and watched the Puerto Rican parade episode of SEINFELD on DVD and drank some Crystal Light peach flavored decaffeinated iced tea.

Yeah…

Um, but to be clear, I’m not racist. Seriously.

Per my fan's request...

they do the Macarena but i'm still not impressed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA&feature=player_embedded

Thank you Dorito.
Amazing.

Thank you Lord

And now a joke from Popsicle...

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/2690376467162b2c617bd89d09c514e7/video/4369137

Green Eyes shops till she flops

It is SO shameful.
Shameful doesn’t cover it.
It is shame-TASTIC.
Shame-ALICIOUS
I’m the shame-MEISTER!

Why? Well…((sigh dramatically)).
Last week I found myself idly flipping channels. Somehow the monotone drone of a woman worshiping all-things-tacky sucked me in and I zoned out watching the HOME SHOPPING NETWORK
(((hangs head in shame)))

But stop… It gets worse.
It gets worse-TASTIC
Worse-ALICIOUS
I’m the worse-MEISTER!

Why? Well… I ordered something. Yeah. I ordered a ring. (Um, but FYI it’s so hot!! Turquoise stone with a gold snake)

But WAIT! It gets WORSER!!!
Yeah yeah yeah, worser-tastic, worser-alicious and I’m the worser-meister.
Why?
Because the ring I bought was from a celebrity jewelry line. An AWFUL one.
It’s too shameful, worse, worser and worsest… I can’t tell.
But I can say this.
It RHYMES…
With Bori Belling.

Yeah… that’s right. I bought some Bori Belling Jewelry.

I have watched this three times

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCdmiZyyGjQ&feature=PlayList&p=3738547C9EC02A29&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=19

everybody dance

Poor Unfortunate Soul

That poor, poor girl.

I wish you guys could’ve seen it. Some unfortunate dork was running with all of her might to get down the subway stairs to make it into the car and it just wasn’t meant to be. She tripped over the last stair and lurched forward.

It was the especially embarrassing brand of trip ‘n fall; the kind where you don’t just ((splat)) take a fall. You trip forward and you keep trying to save yourself but stumbling….Save yourself, fall forward, no save yourself, so close!!

Her overpriced sugar-free vanilla soy latte went everywhere, completely staining her shirt that isn’t anywhere near as cool as she probably thinks it is.

Everyone stared at her as she let out a dejected whine, sounding quite a bit like a goat in labor.

Uch. Poor girl. What a way to start the day today.


…And that girl was me.

Abreva for Greeny too

Todd didn't mention in this torrid tale than I too, fell under the addictive spell of Abreva. Abreva is a seductive lady...
For over a week she (Katie, not Abreva) and I would swap stories on the phone, both of us searching the mirror for any sign of a cold sore....Never happened.But we were both so tingly!! We were sure it was just a second away!!
Her paranoia is health and disease related which is grounded in science and genuine concern... I on the other hand was much more concerned that someone would FIND my Abreva in my bag... And then they would start calling me "Stepha-Herpes" (Or something more creative.)
So I used a little zippered pouch for the teensy tube of cream and then I put THAT in a wallet I no longer use and THEN I put in the inner hidden zipper pocket of my purse.
So, all of you; SHHHHH!!!!!!

Which reminds me...

This story reminded me of another story.

One in which a few years ago, I felt a tingle in my lip.

Being a little um...hyper sensitive to bodily issues... I googled

"Lip tingling"

what comes up?

yes. HERPES. stage one TINGLE.

so...in an emotional panic, I ran to CVS and picked up a tube of this Abreva (NOT CHEAP!)

I begin to apply the product to my lip, three...to um...let's say nine times a day.

About two weeks go by, and it turns out, iIdidn't ever get a cold sore, and after being tested by the Dr. (yes went that far). Did not have (STILL DO NOT HAVE) the Herps.

but what did happen you ask?

My lip continued to tingle non stop, as my father explained was because my lip developed an addiction to the medication, and I was going through withdrawal.

to sum up = twenty dollars, and lots of tingling.

Totally cool.

OH

DEAR

LORD

It would appear that my employer is suffering from a bit of the ol' Herpes.

She just came out of the bathroom with white cream all over her mouth and said

"I'm falling apart. I have a headache"

not making notice of the BLOBS of abreva all over her face.

Want to know how I know she has Herpes?

Because she said to me yesterday "I have some herpes and the shivers"

She is from another country.

I assume she just has some like cold soars, not like the full on STD we all know and love.

But she does not know the social norms we have here in this county and how you don't go around saying things like "I have Herpes and my alarm clock did not go off"

Did the envelope have your name on it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJCqahL6BmM

Best Real World moment EVER.

Thank you Dorito.

Svetlana...no one wants to hear a Russian lobster do a one woman broadway review!

Well here I am... being a lobster. Duh.

Murph (swedish chef/sort of) and I got a gig at this baller Zoo fundraiser, to promote the comedy spot. Every restaurant in the city pretty much, along with music, and assorted other vendors were there. If I were wealthy...and um...cared about Asian Elephants, I would totally have paid to get in as a guest. Not the hired help.

I spent two hours switching accents, singing, running from the chef, getting buttered by the chef, posing for photos as I announced that I was indeed yes, the famous lobster from the movies (my scene from Castaway was cut), yelling for my lost parents "Pedro and Frances" who went to hang out in a hot tub the chef told them about...


Look out James Lipton... I am almost there.
oy.

OK!

ooooh! This makes me feel hot and sexy and... No wait, it just makes me want buttered popcorn and gummy sharks. I LOVE how the tummies are white.

It's Green eye's dad. not mine.

Ah yes... Such fond memories have I of my father and I at the fair together... He would put on his horse suit and say "Now Stephanie...We shant be telling your mother OR Child Protection Services about this, shant we?"

... Upon further examination I realize we are not headed to the fair in this photograph. Whoops!
*We were actually on our way to the dentist.

Fun with Dad

The Tale

OK Orson.

Here is the story.

I was on the train ( I think) with Green eyed Todd, having a riveting discussion of world leaders and corn (or something else, whatever) as we segwayed on to the topic of everyone's favorite T.G.I.F show "Perfect Strangers"

We began to giggle as we both remembered the dance video entitled Balki B

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F28LW9NWOCk

After singing the lyrics we could remember, Green eyes says something like

"oh and remember how Orson Larry's character worked with the mom from Family Matters?"

to which I replied...

"um.. who is Orson Larry?"

to which she replies

"um..the American that Balki lives with"

to which I replied

"um.....you mean COUSIN Larry...said by Balki Bartokomous with a fake greek/mypos accent?"

to which we both began laughing so loud that we got pepper sprayed by a metro employee.

almost true.

The Daughter of your Aunt and Uncle is your ORSON?

Hey Todd! (Yes you!) I was just thinking, the tale you tell of how our names “Todd” came to be is heartwarming and pithy.
But what I think our friends need to read is how ORSON came about!
*Trust me guys, it’s funny… And I come off looking really, really stupid.

*ADDED BONUS: It involves the revolutionary program “Perfect Strangers.” What?! No kids, it’s not your birthday. Life is just this great!!

-Go on Orson, give them what they want! Listen up everyone

Having trouble controlling the VOLUME OF MY VOICE

And now for a new segment I have made of overheard conversations.
This one took place on the S9 bus this morning.

"what the Fu*# is wrong with that Nig*#a anyways. You know he never wear shorts?"
"what the hell you mean he don't wear no shorts"
"man you saw him commin out Ray Ray's house with them mesh jeans on"
"oh yeah, thems made out the same material as Darnell's sweatshirt!!!"