me: do you mind if I use your last name? for my story on my blog?
randazzo: like were married?
me: HAHA no like "randazzo says"
randazzo: thats fine
josephrrandazzo: im sure there are tons of randazzos out there. That could be anyone
me: perhaps people will think I am friends with the onion writer!
randazzo: yes
Monday, March 30, 2009
Katie' AV club
Let's start at the beginning shall we?
I am out to late night drinks/snacks with some friends after one friend's stand up gig.
The crowd is mixed with friends, and adult family of the comedian.
The topic of underpants comes up, which really...when does it not?
So I of course get into a disagreement with Randazzo, which really...when do I not?
I vote that men and women alike should wear underpants all the time, no reason not to and of course Randazzo argues the opposite. We then get into one of his "pro" bullet points of getting to see some AV (accidental Vagina) to which I object, can not be an ideal way to get to see this part of a woman.
"Seeing a drunk fool stumble into the road and flash her business is a GOOD thing?"
"Of course it is" says Randazzo.
We now being to make a list...of all of the ways one could actually see a Vagina accidentally and also intentionally.
1. At a beach
2. In a sexual context
3. At a Dr's office
4. By spying
5. When your grandmas pants fall down
6. The drunken upskirt situation
7. Changing situations (at the gym, fashion show)
Another friend chimes in that we sound as if we are on Family Feud and we have fun with this notion for about 6 minutes
"show me....AT THE BEACH..."
"Out of 100 people surveyed how many people said "SPYING??"
"survey says....X"
Now at this point my obnoxious cackle is quite audible and the table next comprised of our comedian friend and his mature family. They being asking what the giggles are for...Randazzo feel this is a topic for all ears, while I kick him under the table and say
"ixnay the agina Vay..."
Against my recommendation/frowny face he continues on to tell this entire story to this adult table. One man enjoyed it, and even chimed in with his own witty commentary. The others...wished us all death with their eyes.
What we have taken away from this is that
"Accidental Vagina" would make a great band name.
I am out to late night drinks/snacks with some friends after one friend's stand up gig.
The crowd is mixed with friends, and adult family of the comedian.
The topic of underpants comes up, which really...when does it not?
So I of course get into a disagreement with Randazzo, which really...when do I not?
I vote that men and women alike should wear underpants all the time, no reason not to and of course Randazzo argues the opposite. We then get into one of his "pro" bullet points of getting to see some AV (accidental Vagina) to which I object, can not be an ideal way to get to see this part of a woman.
"Seeing a drunk fool stumble into the road and flash her business is a GOOD thing?"
"Of course it is" says Randazzo.
We now being to make a list...of all of the ways one could actually see a Vagina accidentally and also intentionally.
1. At a beach
2. In a sexual context
3. At a Dr's office
4. By spying
5. When your grandmas pants fall down
6. The drunken upskirt situation
7. Changing situations (at the gym, fashion show)
Another friend chimes in that we sound as if we are on Family Feud and we have fun with this notion for about 6 minutes
"show me....AT THE BEACH..."
"Out of 100 people surveyed how many people said "SPYING??"
"survey says....X"
Now at this point my obnoxious cackle is quite audible and the table next comprised of our comedian friend and his mature family. They being asking what the giggles are for...Randazzo feel this is a topic for all ears, while I kick him under the table and say
"ixnay the agina Vay..."
Against my recommendation/frowny face he continues on to tell this entire story to this adult table. One man enjoyed it, and even chimed in with his own witty commentary. The others...wished us all death with their eyes.
What we have taken away from this is that
"Accidental Vagina" would make a great band name.
An adolescent wolf and those intolerant of such
Old Blue Eyes Todd frequently plays hostess for get togethers large and small.
(I would too, except that I don't care for people.)
Some moons ago, one gathering seemed especially joyous as we frolicked in our basement playing beer pong and jamming to Jurassic 5 and the Backstreet Boys. (Oh they're back...ALRIGHT!)Suddenly the joyousness was less joyous. A boy who wore weird t shirts had shown up and he and his weird t shirt pretended not to know that he was shunned for having once treated the blue-eyed Todd as less than the Dream Princess Surprise Chocolate Sundae To The Power of Ten Incredible Lady that she is.His chest hair was oddly plentiful and even oddliier exposed with his top buttons undone as though he was opening for Sigfried and Roy. (Um..okay just Sigfried then...Or just Roy? Which one did McGruff the Crime Tiger take a bite out of?)
Gesturing to his exposed ad for chesty carpeting, I leaned over and snidely announced,
"Hey I like your whole teen wolf look."
But Nick, AJ, Brian and Howie were belting, "Am I originAL? YEEEEAH!" and he didn't hear me.
So blue-eyed Todd had me loudly repeat the mediocre dig until he finally heard me.
"I said I like your whole teen wolf look!"
"I said I like your TEEN WOLF look!"
"I SAID...I LIKE YOUR WHOLE TEEEEN WOOOLF LOOK!!!"
-Because that's what friends do.Later he got what he had coming to him and a small goat came over and peed in his mouth after he passed out.
....That last part might not be 100% factual. But until he steps forward to contest my claim, I will stick by it. You know who you are...
and your torso looks like the top of a paintbrush.
(I would too, except that I don't care for people.)
Some moons ago, one gathering seemed especially joyous as we frolicked in our basement playing beer pong and jamming to Jurassic 5 and the Backstreet Boys. (Oh they're back...ALRIGHT!)Suddenly the joyousness was less joyous. A boy who wore weird t shirts had shown up and he and his weird t shirt pretended not to know that he was shunned for having once treated the blue-eyed Todd as less than the Dream Princess Surprise Chocolate Sundae To The Power of Ten Incredible Lady that she is.His chest hair was oddly plentiful and even oddliier exposed with his top buttons undone as though he was opening for Sigfried and Roy. (Um..okay just Sigfried then...Or just Roy? Which one did McGruff the Crime Tiger take a bite out of?)
Gesturing to his exposed ad for chesty carpeting, I leaned over and snidely announced,
"Hey I like your whole teen wolf look."
But Nick, AJ, Brian and Howie were belting, "Am I originAL? YEEEEAH!" and he didn't hear me.
So blue-eyed Todd had me loudly repeat the mediocre dig until he finally heard me.
"I said I like your whole teen wolf look!"
"I said I like your TEEN WOLF look!"
"I SAID...I LIKE YOUR WHOLE TEEEEN WOOOLF LOOK!!!"
-Because that's what friends do.Later he got what he had coming to him and a small goat came over and peed in his mouth after he passed out.
....That last part might not be 100% factual. But until he steps forward to contest my claim, I will stick by it. You know who you are...
and your torso looks like the top of a paintbrush.
I will say this and then we shant bring it up again...No use beating a dead ho-...I mean, a dead Gingerbread Man. May he rest...
Such a good point Todd, thank yee ever so much.
She is a bad friend and a dirty liar. Which compels me to request a moment of silence for that poor little gingerbread man she decapitated with her greedy thin-lipped mouth. He tried to tell her friends the truth! He tried to do what is right and just in this world and she bites his head off...That deserves its own episode of American Justice on A&E.
HE clearly was a contributing member of society...And yet like so many other senseless crimes, we are left only with the lesser one; an oddly tall stupid-head that deserves to have hamster poop smeared on the collars of all her shirts.....Fabreeze THIS bitch!
She is a bad friend and a dirty liar. Which compels me to request a moment of silence for that poor little gingerbread man she decapitated with her greedy thin-lipped mouth. He tried to tell her friends the truth! He tried to do what is right and just in this world and she bites his head off...That deserves its own episode of American Justice on A&E.
HE clearly was a contributing member of society...And yet like so many other senseless crimes, we are left only with the lesser one; an oddly tall stupid-head that deserves to have hamster poop smeared on the collars of all her shirts.....Fabreeze THIS bitch!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
P.S
SO true todd. Well said.
I would also to like to point out this glade woman is not only a lazy wife, mother and a bad friend...she is a LIAR.
How is she ok with lying to everyone she cares about?
She pretends to make gingerbread cookies but really lights a freaking candle.
She pretends to clean the house all day but really plays tennis, eats lunch and sprays fabrese
She buys a really cool cheap candle that smells good and totally LIES to those near and dear to her heart.
I hate the glad lady too.
And I hope she gets whats commin to her.
(which is obviously that her husband is sleeping with one of her friends. duh)
I would also to like to point out this glade woman is not only a lazy wife, mother and a bad friend...she is a LIAR.
How is she ok with lying to everyone she cares about?
She pretends to make gingerbread cookies but really lights a freaking candle.
She pretends to clean the house all day but really plays tennis, eats lunch and sprays fabrese
She buys a really cool cheap candle that smells good and totally LIES to those near and dear to her heart.
I hate the glad lady too.
And I hope she gets whats commin to her.
(which is obviously that her husband is sleeping with one of her friends. duh)
Green eyes doesn't even have cable but she has thoughts.
Secret guilty pleasure admission du jour:
Sometimes I sing those FreeCreditReport.Com commercials to myself... Except for it's out loud... And occasionally for the purposes of serenading my dog while I hold him up and make his legs dance along. Or serenading an entire subway car, whatEVER...Tomay-to, Tomah-to.They are just so gosh darn clever!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMXv0__CYSU
I mean, come ON! That is a straight up treat!
Non-secret guilt un-inducing HATRED du jour...as well as every other jour:
That Glade candle lady.... I mean, come ON! First of all, you are annoyingly tall. I can especially tell when you do your FAKE yoga with your lame ass friends! Your downward dog is NOT evenly distributing your weight among your limbs and I certainly don't think you are doing your best to plant your ankles into the ground!
Furthermore, how dare you betray the brand (Glade) that has served you so well and let you become a lazy hang of a housewife who wears pleated khakis?! When you told your other, also lame ass, friends that it was a "French scent..Y'know, from France!" you not only bit your thumb at a loyal product that has apparently changed your existence for the better BUT you ALSO made MY life miserable because it prompted your queen-of-idiots friend to announce "Ohh! Haven't you heard of Glah-day?!" Thus, getting on my nerves whenever I, in true masochist fashion, sit through that commercial.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4jScvBuGHI
How dare you. You should go get a job.
Sometimes I sing those FreeCreditReport.Com commercials to myself... Except for it's out loud... And occasionally for the purposes of serenading my dog while I hold him up and make his legs dance along. Or serenading an entire subway car, whatEVER...Tomay-to, Tomah-to.They are just so gosh darn clever!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMXv0__CYSU
I mean, come ON! That is a straight up treat!
Non-secret guilt un-inducing HATRED du jour...as well as every other jour:
That Glade candle lady.... I mean, come ON! First of all, you are annoyingly tall. I can especially tell when you do your FAKE yoga with your lame ass friends! Your downward dog is NOT evenly distributing your weight among your limbs and I certainly don't think you are doing your best to plant your ankles into the ground!
Furthermore, how dare you betray the brand (Glade) that has served you so well and let you become a lazy hang of a housewife who wears pleated khakis?! When you told your other, also lame ass, friends that it was a "French scent..Y'know, from France!" you not only bit your thumb at a loyal product that has apparently changed your existence for the better BUT you ALSO made MY life miserable because it prompted your queen-of-idiots friend to announce "Ohh! Haven't you heard of Glah-day?!" Thus, getting on my nerves whenever I, in true masochist fashion, sit through that commercial.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4jScvBuGHI
How dare you. You should go get a job.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
double dutch
OK
I will call this segment "yeah, that sounds about right you nerd herd"
When we graduated from elementary school, and prepared for our entry into 5th grade, they put together some sort of year book with our photo and benith it, an answer to a question.
The prompt of this question was something to the effect of
"What are you looking forward to in the future"
or "what are you future plans"
or "what do you want to do when you are older"
some common answers were:
Become a marine bologist
publish a novel
Be a teacher
Be a firefighter
Have my own children and drive a minivan
My answer?
"Join the ropes of thunder"
(Ropes of Thunder: The jump rope team(?) that you could be in in the 5th grade.)
I think I sort of misunderstood the assignment.
I didn't even try out.
I will call this segment "yeah, that sounds about right you nerd herd"
When we graduated from elementary school, and prepared for our entry into 5th grade, they put together some sort of year book with our photo and benith it, an answer to a question.
The prompt of this question was something to the effect of
"What are you looking forward to in the future"
or "what are you future plans"
or "what do you want to do when you are older"
some common answers were:
Become a marine bologist
publish a novel
Be a teacher
Be a firefighter
Have my own children and drive a minivan
My answer?
"Join the ropes of thunder"
(Ropes of Thunder: The jump rope team(?) that you could be in in the 5th grade.)
I think I sort of misunderstood the assignment.
I didn't even try out.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
you can take the girl out of Serbia...
OK
so my boss.
She's from Serbia and she is super sweet and I adore her as a person, but sometimes her foreign ways just take over. Like how she talks to me when i'm in the bathroom. Or how she wears floods and ill fitting tops. Or how she uses expressions like "we run round like chickens with NO heads!"
Or
like how just now she said "tough titties"
mmmmmmmhhhmmmm.
so my boss.
She's from Serbia and she is super sweet and I adore her as a person, but sometimes her foreign ways just take over. Like how she talks to me when i'm in the bathroom. Or how she wears floods and ill fitting tops. Or how she uses expressions like "we run round like chickens with NO heads!"
Or
like how just now she said "tough titties"
mmmmmmmhhhmmmm.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
close
That bit about me being jealous or not?
That is SOOOO something Thaddeus Templeton would've mentioned over morning announcements.
That is SOOOO something Thaddeus Templeton would've mentioned over morning announcements.
Economy Shmonomy!
I would also like to say for the record, that green todd's eyes are a magical earthen mixture of green moss and fairy wings with eye lashes from a cover girl commercial..
Also. Not only does she like to buy new socks before washing the old ones...
She has also not once...but TWICE
purchased brand new sheets when I came to visit instead of just washing her regular ones.
Just sayin.
Also. Not only does she like to buy new socks before washing the old ones...
She has also not once...but TWICE
purchased brand new sheets when I came to visit instead of just washing her regular ones.
Just sayin.
IT IS SO LAME WHAT I CAUGHT MYSELF SAYING TO MYSELF WHEN MYSELF WAS TALKING TO MYSELF IN MY HEAD
ME IN MY HEAD TO MYSELF: Man Steph you haven't done laundry in forever, it's really ridiculous.
MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: I know, it's embarrassing! This is the third time I've bought new socks instead of doing laundry!
ME IN MY HEAD TO MYSELF: What?! You're so dumb...Hey i wonder how it is that you've run out of clean socks but not yet out of clean underwear.
MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: ...Oh yeah...Oh, well, probably because with socks you wear two at a time...So you, um, use them up faster.
ME IN MY HEAD TO MYSELF: Did you really just fucking say that? I am totally posting that so that everyone can see what an idiot you are.
MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: ...Crap.
MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: I know, it's embarrassing! This is the third time I've bought new socks instead of doing laundry!
ME IN MY HEAD TO MYSELF: What?! You're so dumb...Hey i wonder how it is that you've run out of clean socks but not yet out of clean underwear.
MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: ...Oh yeah...Oh, well, probably because with socks you wear two at a time...So you, um, use them up faster.
ME IN MY HEAD TO MYSELF: Did you really just fucking say that? I am totally posting that so that everyone can see what an idiot you are.
MYSELF IN MY HEAD TO ME: ...Crap.
Green eyed who?
I would like to just VERY quickly take a moment to establish that Todd (Katie) has Ray Liotta-esque eyes the color of a beautious ocean combined with the clearest of summer skies and a blueberry pie that has been put into the blender with half a cup of 2% milk.They are super pretty.Mine are green.That's why Todd called/calls me the "green eyed todd."I'm not evil and jealous.Wanted to make that clear.
Green eyes has a crush on Shaq?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXTQZBrqtVk
An ESPN commercial starring Shaq, along with Stuart Scott and Mike Breen...
I can't explain why but I just love this, I think it's the funniest thing on TV. It's more of a visual journey to funnyland that it is some random ad hawking a sports channel.Plus I love scrabble....Just watch. It's so fucking funny...Well, to me. But I am also kind of stupid.
An ESPN commercial starring Shaq, along with Stuart Scott and Mike Breen...
I can't explain why but I just love this, I think it's the funniest thing on TV. It's more of a visual journey to funnyland that it is some random ad hawking a sports channel.Plus I love scrabble....Just watch. It's so fucking funny...Well, to me. But I am also kind of stupid.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
This is just like the time...
This situation reminds me of the time that green eyed todd said to me
"oh man, we had this kid in our high school on the morning announcements named
THADIUS TEMPLETON!"
to which I replied
"no. that was my high school."
"oh man, we had this kid in our high school on the morning announcements named
THADIUS TEMPLETON!"
to which I replied
"no. that was my high school."
Back up the trolly...
OK.
I posted that note from the other todd (steph, who always be in italics so you know...)
because I thought it was funny and well written.
HOWEVER
As she and I have spent many a fortnight in communication with one another, it seems to be quite a problem where we (well mostly she) gets stories confused.
I do not dislike this expression. "6 of one half a dozen of the other"
the REAL story is that I use it wrong. On purpose.
Always. In an effort to upset her.
I will say something to the effect of
"they didn't have the kind string cheese I like! oh well...6 of one, half a dozen of the other"
I posted that note from the other todd (steph, who always be in italics so you know...)
because I thought it was funny and well written.
HOWEVER
As she and I have spent many a fortnight in communication with one another, it seems to be quite a problem where we (well mostly she) gets stories confused.
I do not dislike this expression. "6 of one half a dozen of the other"
the REAL story is that I use it wrong. On purpose.
Always. In an effort to upset her.
I will say something to the effect of
"they didn't have the kind string cheese I like! oh well...6 of one, half a dozen of the other"
I give you...the green eyed Todd
"Many times in one’s (no not Juan’s) life you will weigh options equally.
Should we take the freeway or 1st avenue to the funeral for Great Aunt Bessie’s (who isn’t even our real aunt) 12th cat?
(This time it was the grody, obese grayish cat that smelled like the pot of water right after you finished boiling all the hot dogs.)
Doesn’t matter. Same distance, same time spent. Choose whichever.
But the other Todd (duh, Katie) HATES when I (frequently) say,
“6 of one, half dozen of the other.”
Why do you hate this Todd? What do you have against equality in this world? Or is it about something else?
Personally I find it quite charming because “half dozen” is sort of like “baker’s dozen” and then I think of pastries.
Is that it? Do you hate pastries Todd? It’s true you’ve never cared for heated fruits.
I, as well I’m sure all of our loyal readers, look forward to your response and we will all try hard to be more respectful of your distaste.
You can post here or write separately and then copy/paste it.
6 of one, half dozen of the other."
Should we take the freeway or 1st avenue to the funeral for Great Aunt Bessie’s (who isn’t even our real aunt) 12th cat?
(This time it was the grody, obese grayish cat that smelled like the pot of water right after you finished boiling all the hot dogs.)
Doesn’t matter. Same distance, same time spent. Choose whichever.
But the other Todd (duh, Katie) HATES when I (frequently) say,
“6 of one, half dozen of the other.”
Why do you hate this Todd? What do you have against equality in this world? Or is it about something else?
Personally I find it quite charming because “half dozen” is sort of like “baker’s dozen” and then I think of pastries.
Is that it? Do you hate pastries Todd? It’s true you’ve never cared for heated fruits.
I, as well I’m sure all of our loyal readers, look forward to your response and we will all try hard to be more respectful of your distaste.
You can post here or write separately and then copy/paste it.
6 of one, half dozen of the other."
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Anyone poop green?
Just curious.
OK my Todd (Stephanie, duh. I already told you this)
made a wonderful suggestion to have a competition!
NAME THE BABY!
please make any suggestion for a wonderful and or hilarious new name for baby beyonce.
The winner gets a framed picture of the baby wearing a T shirt with your name on it.
Let's go.
OK my Todd (Stephanie, duh. I already told you this)
made a wonderful suggestion to have a competition!
NAME THE BABY!
please make any suggestion for a wonderful and or hilarious new name for baby beyonce.
The winner gets a framed picture of the baby wearing a T shirt with your name on it.
Let's go.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My pinky is doing better THANKS FOR ASKING.
OK
so my brother and his wife are like...going to have a baby.
While she is carrying this thing around we like to call it Beyonce and sometimes Lil' Wayne.
However, I am going to take a stab and say that my J Crew draped siblings are not actually going to call their infant one of these options.
So I made a list for them:
Lipton
Chauncey
Seahorse
RayRay
Paullet
and Flagstaff
obviously all but Flagstaff are gender neutral.
so my brother and his wife are like...going to have a baby.
While she is carrying this thing around we like to call it Beyonce and sometimes Lil' Wayne.
However, I am going to take a stab and say that my J Crew draped siblings are not actually going to call their infant one of these options.
So I made a list for them:
Lipton
Chauncey
Seahorse
RayRay
Paullet
and Flagstaff
obviously all but Flagstaff are gender neutral.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Theriouthly?
Alright.
Friday laughs are in order here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFo_hyEAmHw&feature=related
If you don't enjoy people falling down then you should just stop reading this blog.
Because we don't need your kind here.
Also I might get fired for not doing anything today but watching this on loop.
i'll pack my things, which include:
Valentines Chihuahua Beanie Baby from my mom (i'm not kidding)
Burt's Bees lotion that was a bad purchase. Really bad.
large bottle of Advil
About ten Equal packets
Thats it. I'm packed.
Friday laughs are in order here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFo_hyEAmHw&feature=related
If you don't enjoy people falling down then you should just stop reading this blog.
Because we don't need your kind here.
Also I might get fired for not doing anything today but watching this on loop.
i'll pack my things, which include:
Valentines Chihuahua Beanie Baby from my mom (i'm not kidding)
Burt's Bees lotion that was a bad purchase. Really bad.
large bottle of Advil
About ten Equal packets
Thats it. I'm packed.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
"Did anyone ever figure out who let the Dogs out" - Gary Klein
Alright.
My sister Dory reminded me of my Pet Peeve book I was writing in high school.
it was hilarious and I have no idea where it is...
So I will start a new.
When a public bathroom sink water is like...burning hot
Tyler Perry
When people talk about how MTV is crap and does not play music videos anymore WE KNOW.
Birds as pets
When people act like they do not know celebrity gossip but they TOTALLY DO. They know. unless its Faye. She actually probably does not know.
My sister Dory reminded me of my Pet Peeve book I was writing in high school.
it was hilarious and I have no idea where it is...
So I will start a new.
When a public bathroom sink water is like...burning hot
Tyler Perry
When people talk about how MTV is crap and does not play music videos anymore WE KNOW.
Birds as pets
When people act like they do not know celebrity gossip but they TOTALLY DO. They know. unless its Faye. She actually probably does not know.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Dear God it's me Katie
Does this work?
Am I in the interwebs?
I am such a techo-spaz-lagard that I actually am nervous about this.
Oh and also because I can't spell. Some find it to be irritating. Other's charming...?
I wanted to call this blog Bojangles as it is my word of choice however after looking it up on Urban dictionary it would appear to refer to a chicken and biscuit restaurant...and then from there to a woman with thick legs and thighs so ugh...
The Toddys it is! (Stephanie and I call each other Todd.) (Duh).
Am I in the interwebs?
I am such a techo-spaz-lagard that I actually am nervous about this.
Oh and also because I can't spell. Some find it to be irritating. Other's charming...?
I wanted to call this blog Bojangles as it is my word of choice however after looking it up on Urban dictionary it would appear to refer to a chicken and biscuit restaurant...and then from there to a woman with thick legs and thighs so ugh...
The Toddys it is! (Stephanie and I call each other Todd.) (Duh).
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