Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Creech #37
So my brother and I began using the word "creature" to describe people who are gross
(it actually started with my grandparent's toy poodle who had diarrhea, and was kind of sickly and purple looking)
Anyways...its a nickname for people who are just not right.
I am not saying they are bad people...some creatures are even found to be very kind, good, well intended folk! This is purely superficial.
So in my lifetime I have come across MANY a "creech" (that's the shortened version of creature, if you are not following)
Meet creech #37
He is not that much older than myself
He is originally from NY and has a mumbled, lazy, accented speech
He is married (she must also be some form of a creech)
He has babies (let's hope creech-ness skips a generation)
He wears a terrible hair piece situation that looks greasy and off balance
He wears ill fitting baggy dress clothes EXCEPT for casual Fridays when he wears 90's Tommy Hilfiger jeans
but mostly...
the prompt of this post is eating habbits.
I think perhaps he is some form of a Man-A-Rexic-wannabee
He mostly eats Grapfruit and weird frozen Kosher veggie patties.
Today however,
Creech #37 walked by me on the way to his office,
with a bag of iceberg lettuce and a bottle of yellow mustard
no plate
no silverware
Green Eyed Todd's Movie Monday (like a week and two days late)
Big apologies to the throngs and throngs of dedicated followers who have no doubt struggled with the emptiness they felt when I dropped the ball on Movie Monday…Rest assured this will NOT happen again!
(Yeah, uh, it probably will)
Alright friends… I assume everyone is caught up through the next half hour (minutes 30 through 60) in the moving picture we are so blessed to view; She’s Too Young…
Um side note; I feel the need to mention that when I last viewed the film on YouTube there were only 38,109 views. Of course I must account for a few of them so that means that less than 38,105 people are closely following this blog and its new movie addition!
Tell your friends people!!!
38,105!
That’s just an embarrassment.
((Clears throat))
Let’s not let this distract us from our art;
The second 30 minutes of She’s Too Young starts with a super-intense moment; Nick is explaining to Hanna how busting down on her knees like a skank hoe (I’m not sure those were his words) would “bring us closer”.
Uch. C’mon Hanna…Do you really want to be so close to Nick? The boy parts his hair down the center and wears a THUMB ring!
Nick, in all of his gentlemanly glory, expresses to Hanna that she can tell whomever she wants to at school.
Hanna the Future Bearer of a Mouth Sore: “So the whole school is gonna know I went down on you?!”
Nick Douchey McBungHole: “It will help your reputation”:
They sit silently for a moment until Nick dredges up something deep, sincere, profound and intellectual to reassure her with. (See above to understand the use of initials below…duh)
NDMBH: “Wanna go out tomorrow?”
HFBMS: “…okay.”
Wow…Just…Wow. Where was this Prince Charming Jr. when I was just a young lass on the prowl for mouth sores to call my very own?
That night Hanna reminds us as viewers that teenagers live in a fast paced and mysterious world, with lots of abbreviated words and neon colors…Expressed best in the chatroom where she types with Bekka in a chatroom called…ready for it? …TEEN PLAYA!
Hanna’s Dumb Online Moniker: “I had this fantasy of it…”
Bekka’s Dumb Online Moniker: “All romantic and passionate?”
HDOM: “soo not though!”
BDOM: “it gets better when you REALLY do it…trust me.”
HDOM: I’m bummin.
*KEY: For all you proper literary snobs out there, “bummin” is a teen derivation of “bumming”; to be unhappy, unsatisfied, to have a frowny face.
Let’s skip ahead a tad to my most FAVORITE line of the entire movie… Dawn, (the uglier slut) Hanna and Bekka (the pretty and popular slut) are babysitting together… With a small child in the same room and no one even paying her any attention, Dawn looks up suddenly.
“Hey guys! I have syphilis.”
It was a similar tone of voice to one you might use for “Hey Guys! I have shoelaces.”
Bekka the cute slut: “Well you did some nasty guys!”
Dawn the ehh looking slut: “I did the same guys you did!!”
Like sweet, supportive friends Hanna and Bekka kick Dawn out before Nick and Brad arrive.
They watch soft-core porn and get majorly drunk…well, buzzed….wellll…okay thirst-quenched…on wine coolers that the boys bring.
…Because nothing says masculine like showing up with Zima and a white wine spritzer.
(Here’s a secret between you and me…those wine coolers are SO good!”)
Suddenly the boys want a switcheroo! They want to trade girls’ blowjobs like magic cards!
Nick: “Don’t worry, Brad’s gonna be good to you.”
Hanna: “I don’t want Brad.”
Brad: “Hey you’re not in middle school anymore! Girls in high school would give up their cake and whatever bags for me.”
(huh?)
Hanna leaves while Bekka grins devilishly at Nick and Brad. I guess Bekka does both dudes? Ew.
Well, on the other hand, if the boys were ice cream, who wouldn’t want 2 flavors at once?!
Days later, as the school nurse hounds everyone for names of people giving and getting school bathroom blowjobs, Hanna finds a sore in her mouth while brushing her teeth right before she leaves for school.
I mention this NOT because it’s pertinent to the story that she acquires syphilis, learns a lesson or becomes ill… I mention it because I find it disgusting that someone goes about their whole morning and is almost ready to leave the house BEFORE they’ve brushed their teeth!
That’s revolting. Brushing your chompers is a first-thing-in-the-morning-must. It is this reason and not the mouth sore that I choose not to make out with Hanna today.
-STAY TUNED!! I hope I am as excited as you are for what will come next!
(Yeah, uh, it probably will)
Alright friends… I assume everyone is caught up through the next half hour (minutes 30 through 60) in the moving picture we are so blessed to view; She’s Too Young…
Um side note; I feel the need to mention that when I last viewed the film on YouTube there were only 38,109 views. Of course I must account for a few of them so that means that less than 38,105 people are closely following this blog and its new movie addition!
Tell your friends people!!!
38,105!
That’s just an embarrassment.
((Clears throat))
Let’s not let this distract us from our art;
The second 30 minutes of She’s Too Young starts with a super-intense moment; Nick is explaining to Hanna how busting down on her knees like a skank hoe (I’m not sure those were his words) would “bring us closer”.
Uch. C’mon Hanna…Do you really want to be so close to Nick? The boy parts his hair down the center and wears a THUMB ring!
Nick, in all of his gentlemanly glory, expresses to Hanna that she can tell whomever she wants to at school.
Hanna the Future Bearer of a Mouth Sore: “So the whole school is gonna know I went down on you?!”
Nick Douchey McBungHole: “It will help your reputation”:
They sit silently for a moment until Nick dredges up something deep, sincere, profound and intellectual to reassure her with. (See above to understand the use of initials below…duh)
NDMBH: “Wanna go out tomorrow?”
HFBMS: “…okay.”
Wow…Just…Wow. Where was this Prince Charming Jr. when I was just a young lass on the prowl for mouth sores to call my very own?
That night Hanna reminds us as viewers that teenagers live in a fast paced and mysterious world, with lots of abbreviated words and neon colors…Expressed best in the chatroom where she types with Bekka in a chatroom called…ready for it? …TEEN PLAYA!
Hanna’s Dumb Online Moniker: “I had this fantasy of it…”
Bekka’s Dumb Online Moniker: “All romantic and passionate?”
HDOM: “soo not though!”
BDOM: “it gets better when you REALLY do it…trust me.”
HDOM: I’m bummin.
*KEY: For all you proper literary snobs out there, “bummin” is a teen derivation of “bumming”; to be unhappy, unsatisfied, to have a frowny face.
Let’s skip ahead a tad to my most FAVORITE line of the entire movie… Dawn, (the uglier slut) Hanna and Bekka (the pretty and popular slut) are babysitting together… With a small child in the same room and no one even paying her any attention, Dawn looks up suddenly.
“Hey guys! I have syphilis.”
It was a similar tone of voice to one you might use for “Hey Guys! I have shoelaces.”
Bekka the cute slut: “Well you did some nasty guys!”
Dawn the ehh looking slut: “I did the same guys you did!!”
Like sweet, supportive friends Hanna and Bekka kick Dawn out before Nick and Brad arrive.
They watch soft-core porn and get majorly drunk…well, buzzed….wellll…okay thirst-quenched…on wine coolers that the boys bring.
…Because nothing says masculine like showing up with Zima and a white wine spritzer.
(Here’s a secret between you and me…those wine coolers are SO good!”)
Suddenly the boys want a switcheroo! They want to trade girls’ blowjobs like magic cards!
Nick: “Don’t worry, Brad’s gonna be good to you.”
Hanna: “I don’t want Brad.”
Brad: “Hey you’re not in middle school anymore! Girls in high school would give up their cake and whatever bags for me.”
(huh?)
Hanna leaves while Bekka grins devilishly at Nick and Brad. I guess Bekka does both dudes? Ew.
Well, on the other hand, if the boys were ice cream, who wouldn’t want 2 flavors at once?!
Days later, as the school nurse hounds everyone for names of people giving and getting school bathroom blowjobs, Hanna finds a sore in her mouth while brushing her teeth right before she leaves for school.
I mention this NOT because it’s pertinent to the story that she acquires syphilis, learns a lesson or becomes ill… I mention it because I find it disgusting that someone goes about their whole morning and is almost ready to leave the house BEFORE they’ve brushed their teeth!
That’s revolting. Brushing your chompers is a first-thing-in-the-morning-must. It is this reason and not the mouth sore that I choose not to make out with Hanna today.
-STAY TUNED!! I hope I am as excited as you are for what will come next!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
May she rest
Well as seen from previous posts... it's clear that I am truly saddned by the loss of my dear friend Bea Arthur. Yeah, we were friends.
She was a comic gem, and held a special place in our hearts.
Thank you Tara for the link, and the love.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Stay out of the kitchen
An age old debate
for those of you missed this the first round...
I am in a life long debate with Kswan over pretty much everything you could debate in this world.
However.
Our most important topic...
WHO IS UGLIER
Jay Z....or Luda...?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Yeah, Earth is tight.
It was earth day on the mall today!
Got to see Moe and The Flaming lips FO FREE
The day started off hot as grits and ended up cold as milk
so Seiler made me a fancy warming device out of a free bag.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
pass the SASS will you Dorothy!
Rose: "Why are you two wearing black....did you just come from a funeral?"
Dorothy: "No Rose, we were singing back up for Jonny Cash"
Dorothy: "No Rose, we were singing back up for Jonny Cash"
Bless the Halmark channel.
I just wanted to let you know that comcast code for this show isD= Suggestive Dialogue
heck yeah it is...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Then the dish should get is f-ing ass back here...
Green eye's new favorite thing ever...
I am scared and in love and enraptured all at once...It's sort of like I want to throw up but I would be puking delightful heart shaped wonders.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeuGAuZKIq4
I am scared and in love and enraptured all at once...It's sort of like I want to throw up but I would be puking delightful heart shaped wonders.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeuGAuZKIq4
Green Eyed Todd's Movie Monday!!!
How exciting! Here we are, with the first installment of Movie Monday; has everyone done their part and viewed the first 30 minutes of She’s Too Young?
(By the way it’s very easy to find on YouTube and it’s even separated into 10 minute increments so…yeah. Point being; you have no excuse.)
(((clears throat)))
Let’s begin.
This bundle of movie magic opens to a fast cutting montage of girls applying too much makeup; a giveaway for teens growing up too fast and the angst-filled trouble that will surely follow!
(That means syphilis).
We meet good girl Hannah. In all of her innocent, very childlike beauty; she would make a pervert traveling to Thai land a very happy man. Watching her practice the cello we’re reminded once again of her inexperience as with fear, her legs stiffly and uncomfortably fall open to accommodate the cello as if her knees are fragile new orphan babies that were just informed octo-mom would be taking them home.
Hannah’s friend Dawn is less than beautiful and therefore understandably slutty. Furthermore she has been blessed/cursed with a real hands on mother; always taking her hands off some new dude’s junk to remind Dawn that popularity is directly related to time spent in the back of a van with some older guy who probably got his douche-tastic leather jacket from JC Penney.
Let’s pause to admire the movie for keeping up with cutting edge urban slang, proven in the hotel room scene when the girl with bad teeth and worse hair asks “Where’s the glove?”
Glove you say? Is that a condom?
Is she interrogating OJ Simpson?
Some more stuff happens to establish gasp-worthy (by Lifetime standards) teen behavior.
But it was kind of boring.
Yikes, this is getting long! Let me quickly summarize some important moments by selecting quotes that help illustrate the story.
“His name is Nick, he’s seriously, like, the most popular guy in school.” - Hannah
“The guys say you look like Angelina Jolie but she’s a dog next to you” - Nick
(Stupid Hannah swoons like an idiot)
“I hate the Cineplex… My dad has a great DVD collection at home.” -Nick
(Boy code for: “I hope you brought your own kneepads.”)
“I got you a present!” - Nick
(This is the part where we pretend that hideous necklace didn’t come from a mall kiosk next to the one where they sell decorative rocks and fake waterfalls.)
“Hey Grrrrl!” – more cutting edge urban slang between Hannah and Dawn via internet.
---Meanwhile, back in the school nurse’s office…-----
“Dawn you have syphilis” – kindly state health department lady filling a position that doesn’t exist in real life.
“Dawn I need names of people you’ve had sex with…This includes oral even though I know you kids don’t count it….Dawn?” – see above
(Oh yeah, I’m so sure… Remember that time that girl got pregnant via pearl necklace? Please… The worst she got was a minor rash...as well as the startling realization that this kind of ‘pearl necklace’ can’t be found at Claire’s Boutique.
“…I’m counting” – Dawn
(I wonder if she’s including whoever’s stepfather clearly damaged her at a young age.)
“15 to 20? Dawn you’ve had sex with 15 to 20 guys?” – that same state health department buttinsky
“That guy Nick, he’s the Campus Casanova…Let’s call him Patient Zero” – State department loser lady to the school nurse.
I SWEAR the above quote is real!
Dum de dum dum! I hope you’re all with me when I say I cannot wait for next week’s installment of Movie Monday! What will happen next?! This is an ensemble cast so my guess is, whoo-hoo! – Syphilis for everyone!
-Please share your comments and thoughts on this wonderful film as we watch; thus far the only thing it’s really lacking is Morgan Freeman.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Thanks BBC
Romeo Dev, the world's smallest bodybuilder stands next to a model of the tallest human being, to promote an exhibition in Piccadilly Circus, London.
Whats with Todd?
Good question Meg dog
(thank you for taking time from your country fried steak to write me an email)
Stephanie and Katie met freshman year at Indiana University.
They became instant friends once they figured out that they wore the same shoe size.
One day they watched "Zoolander" on the dorm television and enjoyed once particular scene where Mugatu yells at his assistant "Todd"
"Not now Todd..i'm so tired" he says...
The girls said this to one another quiet often which then turned into
"Not now Todd...I have homwork" or
"Sure Todd..but use more cheese" or
"Yes Todd... her pants are really ill fitting"
They then took the joke one step further (which they often did)
and discovered the joy of being in a public place and saying
"Todd?" (from Katie)
"Yes Todd?" (from Stephanie)
And so the Todd was born
(thank you for taking time from your country fried steak to write me an email)
Stephanie and Katie met freshman year at Indiana University.
They became instant friends once they figured out that they wore the same shoe size.
One day they watched "Zoolander" on the dorm television and enjoyed once particular scene where Mugatu yells at his assistant "Todd"
"Not now Todd..i'm so tired" he says...
The girls said this to one another quiet often which then turned into
"Not now Todd...I have homwork" or
"Sure Todd..but use more cheese" or
"Yes Todd... her pants are really ill fitting"
They then took the joke one step further (which they often did)
and discovered the joy of being in a public place and saying
"Todd?" (from Katie)
"Yes Todd?" (from Stephanie)
And so the Todd was born
May he rest
Today I would like to take a moment of Silence to remember Sam.
World Champion, friend and lover.
TAGLINE? ...TO FIT IN, YOU GOTTA PUT OUT...No I'm serious. That's the tagline.
For everyone's wonderment and joy I have jotted down a quick and simple summary of our upcoming voyage to the world of serious film...
*Please note all film reviews will be posted in Courier New font... Because let's face it, it seems a little more filmy... Um, also I don't want anyone to mistake it for me talking about my own life... Because I don't have syphillis.
High school Freshman Hannah Vogul is the good girl; you can tell because she wears oxford shirts and plays a musical instrument.
But then bad boy Nick Hartman ((INSERT GASP)) convinces her to fellate him (that is grown-up talk for blowjob) and then invites her to a group fellate-ish party!
But then friend Dawn confesses her contraction of ((say the next word in a threatening tone)) SYPHILLIS…
There is a school out break of ((say the next word in a threatening tone)) SYPHILLIS.
What will happen with Hannah’s self esteem, her new hobby of blowjobs, her relationship with her parents, her mouth sores?
All as a result of ((you know what to do!)) SYPHILLIS.
Marsha Gay Harden stars as Hannah’s thick-thighed yet concerned mother and co-starring as Hannah’s good friend is this other girl who I recognized from stuff I can’t remember.
Join me on this adventure my friends! Next Monday, an impassioned review and really, a blog-o-riffic therapy session on the first 30 minutes of what I can tell will be a new addition to the list of Great American Films.
*Click on the link below to see the summarizing clips of "She's Too Young" that some douche took the time to put against Pink's "Who New"... Y'know, that really dumb song by Pink.
**Oh sorry, will narrow down; the really dumb song by Pink that is entitled, "Who Knew."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cstWgX_aWlI
*Please note all film reviews will be posted in Courier New font... Because let's face it, it seems a little more filmy... Um, also I don't want anyone to mistake it for me talking about my own life... Because I don't have syphillis.
High school Freshman Hannah Vogul is the good girl; you can tell because she wears oxford shirts and plays a musical instrument.
But then bad boy Nick Hartman ((INSERT GASP)) convinces her to fellate him (that is grown-up talk for blowjob) and then invites her to a group fellate-ish party!
But then friend Dawn confesses her contraction of ((say the next word in a threatening tone)) SYPHILLIS…
There is a school out break of ((say the next word in a threatening tone)) SYPHILLIS.
What will happen with Hannah’s self esteem, her new hobby of blowjobs, her relationship with her parents, her mouth sores?
All as a result of ((you know what to do!)) SYPHILLIS.
Marsha Gay Harden stars as Hannah’s thick-thighed yet concerned mother and co-starring as Hannah’s good friend is this other girl who I recognized from stuff I can’t remember.
Join me on this adventure my friends! Next Monday, an impassioned review and really, a blog-o-riffic therapy session on the first 30 minutes of what I can tell will be a new addition to the list of Great American Films.
*Click on the link below to see the summarizing clips of "She's Too Young" that some douche took the time to put against Pink's "Who New"... Y'know, that really dumb song by Pink.
**Oh sorry, will narrow down; the really dumb song by Pink that is entitled, "Who Knew."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cstWgX_aWlI
AN EXCITING NEW ADDITION! BROUGHT TO YOU BY GREEN EYES MCGEE, BUT AT THE BRILLIANT BEHEST OF OLD BLUE EYES...
Hello friends!
I am thrilled to be the bearer of awesome news; from now on MOVIE MONDAY shall commence.
I will be picking important films to watch in segments and then sharing a lively synopsis each Monday, of the half-hour watched during the week.
My reviews might be a bit more Todd-ized than the typical newspaper entry; perhaps the first half hour of Overboard is not about establishing a woman’s emptiness despite having immense wealth. To me it is much more about the metallic thong Goldie Hawn donned or the seemingly insignificant part where Travis takes a walk with a young girl.
What happened on the walk?
Did he get to second base?
A wise critic will always ask the right questions…
I strive to bring the world of film to life for you, make this a visual novel, nay, a cinematic journey of wonder and delight!
This is serious. This is important.
With all that said, our first film will be the Lifetime original movie “She’s Too Young.”
I am thrilled to be the bearer of awesome news; from now on MOVIE MONDAY shall commence.
I will be picking important films to watch in segments and then sharing a lively synopsis each Monday, of the half-hour watched during the week.
My reviews might be a bit more Todd-ized than the typical newspaper entry; perhaps the first half hour of Overboard is not about establishing a woman’s emptiness despite having immense wealth. To me it is much more about the metallic thong Goldie Hawn donned or the seemingly insignificant part where Travis takes a walk with a young girl.
What happened on the walk?
Did he get to second base?
A wise critic will always ask the right questions…
I strive to bring the world of film to life for you, make this a visual novel, nay, a cinematic journey of wonder and delight!
This is serious. This is important.
With all that said, our first film will be the Lifetime original movie “She’s Too Young.”
Friday, April 3, 2009
g'day Mate, take a turn if y' dare!
So I bit the bullet and got a GPS mumbo jumbo.
I set the voice to Australian man.
Just me, the open road, and "Hugh Jackman"
where is that darn sailfin catfish?
My sister Dory is so famous.
Here is a link to her company's current project she been done worked on.
http://www.history.com/minisites/life_after_people
WHAT UP!
Here is a link to her company's current project she been done worked on.
http://www.history.com/minisites/life_after_people
WHAT UP!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Lest we forget this gem...
For those of you not yet privy to our favorite game...KS and I like to pick something to draw.We then each take a few moments to draw the same thing and show each other when we are done. Sometimes I am not sure where the disconnect is from my head to my pen, but you can not deny how good my Shrek is.
My dream prince
Last night I got to see non other than Mr. J Peterman on the stage.He was staring in "Chicago" as the silver fox lawyer Billy Flynn.
As much as I enjoyed his song and dance...I really just wanted to here him say:
"That reminds me of the Haitian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you?.......Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can And if you are undead - I'll find out about that too."
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
"tolerance is my middle name"
GREEN EYED Todd: I love that picture!! It makes me want to have an arranged marriage with a heavily beaded frock.
BLUE EYED Todd: Can you believe that happened?! It's like its from a tv show or something.
GREEN EYED Todd: It IS! It is from the movie "Slumdog Middle Class"
BLUE EYED Todd: hahaha
BLUE EYED Todd: Can you believe that happened?! It's like its from a tv show or something.
GREEN EYED Todd: It IS! It is from the movie "Slumdog Middle Class"
BLUE EYED Todd: hahaha
Tajiks know how to flirt like best of em'
As many of you do too I'm sure... I have a friend studying abroad in Tajikistan. She took her camera into a photo shop to have the zoom repaired and got her camera back with
THIS PICTURE ON IT.
Thank you Carrie.
Thank you Tajikistan.
Hello?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74
On our morning commute KS and I listen to our favorite (only?) DC DJ
Kane on Hot 99.5
He is doing a segment now where he reads old love letters he found written by his wife's first fiance to her when they were in love. It's his "revenge"?
one line in the letter said
"They say you are what you eat, and I until now I didn't know it possible for one to eat Angels"
On our morning commute KS and I listen to our favorite (only?) DC DJ
Kane on Hot 99.5
He is doing a segment now where he reads old love letters he found written by his wife's first fiance to her when they were in love. It's his "revenge"?
one line in the letter said
"They say you are what you eat, and I until now I didn't know it possible for one to eat Angels"
Shalom Hadassah this is Katie
This is my friend Stanley. He loves April fools day so much, it's not even funny.
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