Big apologies to the throngs and throngs of dedicated followers who have no doubt struggled with the emptiness they felt when I dropped the ball on Movie Monday…Rest assured this will NOT happen again!
(Yeah, uh, it probably will)
Alright friends… I assume everyone is caught up through the next half hour (minutes 30 through 60) in the moving picture we are so blessed to view; She’s Too Young…
Um side note; I feel the need to mention that when I last viewed the film on YouTube there were only 38,109 views. Of course I must account for a few of them so that means that less than 38,105 people are closely following this blog and its new movie addition!
Tell your friends people!!!
38,105!
That’s just an embarrassment.
((Clears throat))
Let’s not let this distract us from our art;
The second 30 minutes of She’s Too Young starts with a super-intense moment; Nick is explaining to Hanna how busting down on her knees like a skank hoe (I’m not sure those were his words) would “bring us closer”.
Uch. C’mon Hanna…Do you really want to be so close to Nick? The boy parts his hair down the center and wears a THUMB ring!
Nick, in all of his gentlemanly glory, expresses to Hanna that she can tell whomever she wants to at school.
Hanna the Future Bearer of a Mouth Sore: “So the whole school is gonna know I went down on you?!”
Nick Douchey McBungHole: “It will help your reputation”:
They sit silently for a moment until Nick dredges up something deep, sincere, profound and intellectual to reassure her with. (See above to understand the use of initials below…duh)
NDMBH: “Wanna go out tomorrow?”
HFBMS: “…okay.”
Wow…Just…Wow. Where was this Prince Charming Jr. when I was just a young lass on the prowl for mouth sores to call my very own?
That night Hanna reminds us as viewers that teenagers live in a fast paced and mysterious world, with lots of abbreviated words and neon colors…Expressed best in the chatroom where she types with Bekka in a chatroom called…ready for it? …TEEN PLAYA!
Hanna’s Dumb Online Moniker: “I had this fantasy of it…”
Bekka’s Dumb Online Moniker: “All romantic and passionate?”
HDOM: “soo not though!”
BDOM: “it gets better when you REALLY do it…trust me.”
HDOM: I’m bummin.
*KEY: For all you proper literary snobs out there, “bummin” is a teen derivation of “bumming”; to be unhappy, unsatisfied, to have a frowny face.
Let’s skip ahead a tad to my most FAVORITE line of the entire movie… Dawn, (the uglier slut) Hanna and Bekka (the pretty and popular slut) are babysitting together… With a small child in the same room and no one even paying her any attention, Dawn looks up suddenly.
“Hey guys! I have syphilis.”
It was a similar tone of voice to one you might use for “Hey Guys! I have shoelaces.”
Bekka the cute slut: “Well you did some nasty guys!”
Dawn the ehh looking slut: “I did the same guys you did!!”
Like sweet, supportive friends Hanna and Bekka kick Dawn out before Nick and Brad arrive.
They watch soft-core porn and get majorly drunk…well, buzzed….wellll…okay thirst-quenched…on wine coolers that the boys bring.
…Because nothing says masculine like showing up with Zima and a white wine spritzer.
(Here’s a secret between you and me…those wine coolers are SO good!”)
Suddenly the boys want a switcheroo! They want to trade girls’ blowjobs like magic cards!
Nick: “Don’t worry, Brad’s gonna be good to you.”
Hanna: “I don’t want Brad.”
Brad: “Hey you’re not in middle school anymore! Girls in high school would give up their cake and whatever bags for me.”
(huh?)
Hanna leaves while Bekka grins devilishly at Nick and Brad. I guess Bekka does both dudes? Ew.
Well, on the other hand, if the boys were ice cream, who wouldn’t want 2 flavors at once?!
Days later, as the school nurse hounds everyone for names of people giving and getting school bathroom blowjobs, Hanna finds a sore in her mouth while brushing her teeth right before she leaves for school.
I mention this NOT because it’s pertinent to the story that she acquires syphilis, learns a lesson or becomes ill… I mention it because I find it disgusting that someone goes about their whole morning and is almost ready to leave the house BEFORE they’ve brushed their teeth!
That’s revolting. Brushing your chompers is a first-thing-in-the-morning-must. It is this reason and not the mouth sore that I choose not to make out with Hanna today.
-STAY TUNED!! I hope I am as excited as you are for what will come next!
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