Green Eyed Todd's Movie Monday!!!

How exciting! Here we are, with the first installment of Movie Monday; has everyone done their part and viewed the first 30 minutes of She’s Too Young?

(By the way it’s very easy to find on YouTube and it’s even separated into 10 minute increments so…yeah. Point being; you have no excuse.)

(((clears throat)))

Let’s begin.

This bundle of movie magic opens to a fast cutting montage of girls applying too much makeup; a giveaway for teens growing up too fast and the angst-filled trouble that will surely follow!
(That means syphilis).

We meet good girl Hannah. In all of her innocent, very childlike beauty; she would make a pervert traveling to Thai land a very happy man. Watching her practice the cello we’re reminded once again of her inexperience as with fear, her legs stiffly and uncomfortably fall open to accommodate the cello as if her knees are fragile new orphan babies that were just informed octo-mom would be taking them home.

Hannah’s friend Dawn is less than beautiful and therefore understandably slutty. Furthermore she has been blessed/cursed with a real hands on mother; always taking her hands off some new dude’s junk to remind Dawn that popularity is directly related to time spent in the back of a van with some older guy who probably got his douche-tastic leather jacket from JC Penney.

Let’s pause to admire the movie for keeping up with cutting edge urban slang, proven in the hotel room scene when the girl with bad teeth and worse hair asks “Where’s the glove?”

Glove you say? Is that a condom?

Is she interrogating OJ Simpson?

Some more stuff happens to establish gasp-worthy (by Lifetime standards) teen behavior.

But it was kind of boring.

Yikes, this is getting long! Let me quickly summarize some important moments by selecting quotes that help illustrate the story.

“His name is Nick, he’s seriously, like, the most popular guy in school.” - Hannah

“The guys say you look like Angelina Jolie but she’s a dog next to you” - Nick

(Stupid Hannah swoons like an idiot)

“I hate the Cineplex… My dad has a great DVD collection at home.” -Nick

(Boy code for: “I hope you brought your own kneepads.”)

“I got you a present!” - Nick

(This is the part where we pretend that hideous necklace didn’t come from a mall kiosk next to the one where they sell decorative rocks and fake waterfalls.)

“Hey Grrrrl!” – more cutting edge urban slang between Hannah and Dawn via internet.

---Meanwhile, back in the school nurse’s office…-----

“Dawn you have syphilis” – kindly state health department lady filling a position that doesn’t exist in real life.

“Dawn I need names of people you’ve had sex with…This includes oral even though I know you kids don’t count it….Dawn?” – see above

(Oh yeah, I’m so sure… Remember that time that girl got pregnant via pearl necklace? Please… The worst she got was a minor rash...as well as the startling realization that this kind of ‘pearl necklace’ can’t be found at Claire’s Boutique.

“…I’m counting” – Dawn

(I wonder if she’s including whoever’s stepfather clearly damaged her at a young age.)

“15 to 20? Dawn you’ve had sex with 15 to 20 guys?” – that same state health department buttinsky

“That guy Nick, he’s the Campus Casanova…Let’s call him Patient Zero” – State department loser lady to the school nurse.

I SWEAR the above quote is real!

Dum de dum dum! I hope you’re all with me when I say I cannot wait for next week’s installment of Movie Monday! What will happen next?! This is an ensemble cast so my guess is, whoo-hoo! – Syphilis for everyone!

-Please share your comments and thoughts on this wonderful film as we watch; thus far the only thing it’s really lacking is Morgan Freeman.